Tuesday, July 31, 2007

verses: work hard

Colossians 3:23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

climbing the mountain

“…coz God won’t make a mountain I can’t climb” is one of the verses in the song “it’s getting better all the time” by Brooks & Dunn.

Recently when I feel down or want to give up, I think of this verse. Tonight before calling Jia, I was about to cry. I set my mind to get certain part of the writing done, however I have the deep fear that I will fail again.

The mountain in front of me is not my thesis, or defense, or job. It’s myself and it always was. I am afraid that I don’t have what it takes. I am afraid that I will never change but my luck will turn around. I am afraid that I will have a miserable life simply because I didn’t try my best.

Many times I told myself that it’s not a big deal giving it up. I have been very much blessed. Not being able to accomplish certain things won’t affect my life. I probably never have to worry seriously about not having a place to live or food to eat. My family and my husband have been incredibly supportive of what I do. I know they will be fine with me not getting the degree.

However, I can never get rid of the worries. So it’s just me struggling against myself. To most people, it doesn’t make sense giving up at the point so close to the end. To me, it is a matter of being able to hold on. I feel if anything bad comes up in the future, it won’t take long to crush my spirit. It has been too easy for me to give up. Why not now? The whole process is in fact learning to build the characters that have been missing in me.

I once tried indoor rock climbing. At half way my arms and hands felt extremely tired and I wanted to give up, but my teammate refused to let me down if I didn’t reach the top. So one by one step while pleading constantly, I finally made it to the top. That was one of the greatest moments in my life. Every second on my way up I struggled so much and honestly thought I didn’t have what it took, but I was surprised by myself.

Now I have the same feeling. I am so exhausted and tired that quitting seems so tempting. But there is another voice cheering and telling me that I can make it. All I need to do is one step forward at a time. Since I have been there before, I know it will be worthwhile. After reaching the top of this mountain, I will gain more perseverance, self-discipline and wisdom.

I guess this is how God works on me. He is preparing me for something bigger, as Paul said in Romans 5: “…but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” I need to fully trust God’s words and keep marching up no matter how difficult it might seem to be.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

verses: rejoice

I love these verses!

Philippians 4:4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

verses: preaching

Philippians 1:15 It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. 16The latter do so in love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. 17The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains.18But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.

Friday, July 27, 2007

church and family

Last night I was in theatre with a friend to watch the Simpsons movie. When it started, I had this warmth in my heart knowing that everyone sitting there loved Homer. It felt like watching a big screen TV with a large family.

Then I started to wonder: why did I never have this kind of feelings when I was in church? Supposingly people who go to the church are people who love God and Jesus. We should be talking all excitedly like we talk about a dear friend or Homer. "Hey, have you read this? God is so funny and amazing!" "Oh yeah, he has a great sense of humor."

Well, the fact is that this only happened in conversations between me and Brian. Actually, Brian told me that sometimes he has this overjoy because those young people in the church have a place for God in their heart. I hope I can experience that kind of joy too.

I don't know what is wrong. Maybe I haven't loved deeply enough. Or my heart is still very much guarded and skeptical. I love God, but I still don't fully trust what he asks me to do. I am confident it will change though.

******************************************
Galatians 5:
4You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. 5But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. 6For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

spiritual gifts

After taking the questionnaire, it turned out that my top three are:
1. teaching (hard to believe this)
2. faith
3. encouragement

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

self-loathing

I have been pretty cranky lately. Nothing really happened. Probably that's why. I feel I am wasting my life away, so I am angry with myself.

God has given me a lot of things, but I haven't tried my best to use my gifts. Quite contrarily, I often do things half-assedly, choose the easiest way and give up easily. I spend a lot of time on nothing just to avoid doing what need to be done. I know procrastination is a common issue, but God asked me to work hard as I am working for him. It's for sure that I am constantly failing him.

What's the point of saying that you love somebody and at the same time acting the opposite way? I don't want to be a hypocrite or take advantage of God's grace.

On the other hand, I know he has been working on me and I am a changed person now. Maybe I should be more patient and keep praying for the characters I want. After all, it takes time.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

July 14, 2007, 1:41:27 AM

There must be a reason for my tears, Lord
My heart is such a small reservoir
That your love is overflowing

How can I be the reflection of your kindness and beauty?
How can I add to your glory?
Tell me, Lord
Not because I want to
But because you have mercy

Make me new, make me good
Make me your servant
Cause I will be joyful and strong

And I will be deaf and blind to sinful desires
Let the devil sigh in the darkness
Then I will see myself
Dancing in your light

I was reading Romans on Friday night. Everything Paul said in that book has made so much sense to me that it felt like God was speaking directly to my heart. At certain point I had to put down the book and walk around in my apartment so that I wouldn't feel overwhelmed.

It may sound ridiculous, but as I reached Chapter 14, I just felt that there was too much love from God and I was unable to hold it any more. I don't deserve any of the blessings he has poured on me. So I broke down and cried.

Long ago I knew he had forgiven me, but last night I totally opened up to him. I told him that I was sorry for breaking his heart. I was sorry that he had to die for me so that I don't have to carry all the burden of my past and that I can be made new. And I was so grateful for everything he had provided for me.

That was one intimate moment between me and God. And then I wrote the above verses. To be honest, it is almost embarrassing to post it here because the feelings was simply too raw.

It is interesting that as I continued with the book, I found this verse.

Romans 15:13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

"overflow" was the first word that came into my mind when I started to write my little psalm. And God told me that it was the right word for that moment.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

a note to myself

Romans 2:
1You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. 2Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment?

Romans 2:
17Now you, if you call yourself a Jew; if you rely on the law and brag about your relationship to God; 18if you know his will and approve of what is superior because you are instructed by the law; 19if you are convinced that you are a guide for the blind, a light for those who are in the dark, 20an instructor of the foolish, a teacher of infants, because you have in the law the embodiment of knowledge and truth— 21you, then, who teach others, do you not teach yourself? You who preach against stealing, do you steal? 22You who say that people should not commit adultery, do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? 23You who brag about the law, do you dishonor God by breaking the law? 24As it is written: "God's name is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you."

Thursday, July 05, 2007

love

Nothing really happened on Monday night. It's just that my husband told me he was tired so he didn't want to talk much over the phone. I don't know what got me, but I started to feel bad about myself from that point.

Lying there in my bed, I couldn't help wondering what's wrong with me. One phone call could easily make me doubt myself and my life. That's ridiculous. We were not even in fight or anything. He was feeling tired and wanted to get some rest. That's all.

Then I started to pray that God bring me peace and wisdom. I knew that I was failing him. And he answered my prayer right away. While talking to him, I gained back my serenity and security. And it hit me, again. The reason is that I am still relying on other people or things to validate myself. It's not that I shouldn't love my husband, but I should not take what he (or anyone else) says or does as the standard to measure myself.

God should always be the one and the only one I live for. His love never fails me, so I should never feel insecure about my identity. He made me for a purpose. Everything I do matters to him. Although I am unable to do it now, one day I will be the richest and happiest person in the world because he is the love of my life. I know if I love someone passionately, I won't hesitate to take the bullet for him or her.

Actually, as I was thinking about this, I felt I wouldn't hesitate to take the bullet for anyone. I would be happy to do that. This way I would save a life and get to see God. Well, it's me talking here. I don't know how I would react when things like that really happen.

Last night I was talking with a friend through MSN. She said when she was a student, her advisor cared a lot about the appearance, accessories, restaurants, things like that. So her whole group bought Apple laptops because her advisor liked Apple, but she bought Dell to save some money. She got mocked by the group members all the time. She said she felt bad back then.

What happened to my friend brought deep sadness into my heart. Without God in their lives, it's hard for people not to worship those idols and try to get validation from the things they have or people they deal with. I tried to comfort her, but how can we stand alone with confidence in ourselves if we are unaware that God's love is shining through us?

When I went to college, I was this small town girl in the big city. I didn't like how I felt back then. People there always judge other based on where they are from, what they wear, how pretty they are, etc. It can easily make you feel worthless. My life has not been too hard because I has always been the smart kid in class. I barely studied but managed to get high scores, so my classmates thought I was cool because of that. But I never really enjoyed my college years.

These are also the reasons I don't like Las Vegas. I felt depressed and irritated whenever I was there. It might be a reflection of my poor faith back then. If my life is abundant due to God's grace alone, I would be able to walk any corner of the world with peace, and I would be able to love anyone no matter who they are.

A few days ago I had a diret confrontation with one of my coworkers. It reminds me of how difficult it is to love the people in your life. I wish I had chosen a better way to deal with the conflicts. The fact is that from time to time I still try to justify what I have done. Even if I was right and he was wrong, I felt it's not exactly the way God wanted me to handle it.

I don't hate anybody, but I know I am "good" at ignoring people I don't care. Love each other, he said. It's impossible, I told him. Try your very best. But I don't want to.

It shocked myself that was the answer. It's not that I can't. It's because I don't want to. Because it will make me look weak. Or because people would take advantage of the situation. Or because I really don't care how they feel. What I do is still based on my needs. It's the interesting part of this free will thing and this love thing.

I do things based on my free will. But because I love him, whether or not I do it his way determines how good I feel afterwards. The fact he forgives me unconditionally doesn't necessarily take away the guilt. At least not right away. Sometimes I really don't like the free will thing. He knows we are going to something stupid all the time. Maybe he enjoys seeing that as long as no terrible harm is done, just like parents enjoy seeing their little babies do something silly, like insisting eating by themselves and then spilling their food all over the place. It's the learning process.

Maybe all the excuses I have been using in order not to do something can be summarized to this single reason. I don't want to. I remember back to the days my marriage was at risk. I finally got to the core of the problem. I didn't want to love my husband. I felt I would be better off without him. It has nothing to do with whether or not I had the ability to do it. I simly didn't want to try any more.

God loves me so much that he didn't let me make that mistake. Right after I asked him to help me love my husband, he showed me the way. He also amazed me by the way he helped my husband to grow up. To me, it was a miracle that can only be delivered by God's grace. I don't deserve it, yet he gave it to me as soon as I asked for it.

He loves you that much too.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

searching for God knows what

I can't put down this book. This is the second one I got written by Donald Miller. No matter how I disagree with some of his opinions, his books are interesting and very readable. I think I will finish reading this book in a week.

It's like a conversation with a friend, or reading a friend's blog. He is definitely passionate about Christianity. I imagine him think about God all the time while eating, walking, driving or doing something else. Sometimes I do that too.

Some questions he asked are similar to the ones I asked Brian. I like it when he expands the details in the Bible. I feel that if I meet him, we can have a pretty good conversation. We would be able to talk about God like someone we know in life.

He has his limitation, especially when he tried to include some serious topics. Sometimes he is too talkative. I feel the urge to ask him to shut up and move onto the next point. Just like when you are with talkative friends. It doesn't mean that you don't love them.