not qualified

It is still difficult for me to call myself a Christian. There are three major stumbling blocks.

First, I know too little about the Bible. I have been trying to read books about Christianity, and I know some passages, but it is just not enough. I know a lot of people would like to challenge Christians in order to prove that Christianity is nonsense. I don't want God's name contaminated by my own ignorance. I want myself to be able to stand firm without feeling intimidated. So I need to know much much more.

Secondly, even if I knew better, I don't know if my faith is going to sustain the trials. Brian told me the story of the Iraqi boy who stood by being a Christian and was killed by the soldiers. Well, I am sure that I would give in. I would turn my back on God more than three times. I pray everyday that God help me strengthen my faith. I don't know how he would do it, but that's the only way I could approach it---by turning to him.

Thirdly, I still have many doubts. I can't even identify them now as I could before. It is like you can feel the existence of the enemies in the dark but you don't know where exactly your targets are. Even though I am able to talk about Christianity with other people, deep in my heart I know part of it is just talking.

The good thing is that I know he is constantly working on me. And if I seek with my heart, he will give me what I want.

homosexuality

I have never met any homosexual people in my life. Or I should say, I am not aware of any.

At Brian's home, his soon-to-be-brother-in-law asked me for my opinion about homosexuality. At first, I was stumbled. I wasn't quite sure of the reason why he asked, and I didn't have a clear mind to give the answer.

Then I continued with reading the book "what's so amazing about grace". It gave me the idea. I picked up his question and shared my thoughts with him.

First of all, God created man and woman and asked them to complete each other. So homosexuality is sin.

However, Any act that doesn't follow God's words is sin. we are all sinners. We are in no position to judge each other.

The difference between Christianity and other regions is grace. So what we should do is to offer love instead of criticism or judgement and to help each other understand the truth of life.

Only God can and will judge us by our hearts. And if we believe Jesus is our savior, we don't have to take the burden of sins with us.

Also, Brian added a very good point: not everyone who believes in Jesus will be saved. Devil also believes in him. So we must recognize our sins, repent and then accept the grace.

The fact is that nowadays a lot of people have no intention to discern between right and wrong. God loves us so much that he is even willing to risk losing us by respecting our free will. In another word, you will get grace only if you realize your sins and ask for forgiveness.

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Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

how to deal with rejection

The topic of today's sermon was good, but the talk didn't really touch me. I guess it depends on the way the speaker delivers the message.

Anyhow, the passages were from Exodus. Moses faced three types of rejection:
1. rejection by his own family;
2. rejection by his own people;
3. rejection for making a mistake.

The speaker gave three points of how to deal with rejection:
1. learn to recognize the rejection in your life;
2. respond to rejection by doing good;
3. deal with rejection by turning to God and listen to his voice.

be secure

It was really tough today during the lifegroup. We were sharing stories about dishonor or accusation in our lives.

I barely opened my mouth, because I didn't know if I could hold back my tears once I started to say something. I am constantly in battles with myself. And whenever I was frustrated by something else, those hurtful messages I got from my marriage would come back to me.

You can't be truly happy again. Nobody really cares about you. You don't know anything. You won't be able to find a job. You will disappoint your parents. You are a failure. No matter how you try, you are still a bad person and you won't get into heaven.

Most of the time I know those are lies. But from time to time I tend to believe them. Those moments really suck. However, if God was not with me, how could I crawl back and hold on to the dim light under the attack of those vicious words?

While reading "1 Samuel", it was quite amazing to me how David was secure about his true identity. We are children of God. How could he not love us? How could he not want to take good care of me? I wish I could have that much faith.

passages from today's service

About Perseverance

Romans 5:3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope.

James 1:2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

About True Identity

Revelation 2:17He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it.

again and again

Today I was very down. The results from the Memphis test were not good.

I felt I failed Brian, and Steve. I am and was never good at research. I am not careful enough. I am smart, but people in our group are and were very smart. I am not passionate enough about what I am doing. I am lack of perseverance. And I am not confident, which is quite apparent now.

However, God has given me the most wonderful friends. He always finds the way to recharge my strength through them. No matter how frustrated Brian was with the data, he never laid one blame on me. Rui and Jia know exactly how to cheer me up so that I can pull through.

I can't imagine how I would do without them in my life. And I praise you, for never giving up on me.