Decision-making

My discussion with Brian about baptism got me into thinking: am I truly ready as I thought? He brought up a valid point, but I hesitate to walk out of my comfort zone. There are a couple of reasons on my side. It is time that I ask God what he wants me to do.

Brian was definitely right about the devil’s attack. We almost got into a fight because of our different opinions and I was extremely sad for a moment. The truth is that I was expecting with joy to be baptized. I think God would be pleased with whichever way I choose to do it because he knows me by my heart. However, the devil played the tricks to discourage me.

I also met one of our pastors last night and talked with him for a while. He said it would be fine if I wanted to keep it down. And he asked me to be humble. So right now I am praying that God help me make the final decision and have the serenity with it.

commitment

This evening I went to check out the church’s new program, “Core”, which is designated to give intensive teachings about the Bible. It was good, though I was expecting much quieter music or even no music at all. I think I will keep going until I have to leave AA.

By the end of the talk, our pastor talked about how we should be more involved in the church activities, because after all church was what Christ left on the earth. We together, instead of some building, are the church, body of Christ. We are responsible for encouraging each other in the church family and letting more people outside the church hear God’s words and accept his grace.

Then the pastor asked people who wanted to make two commitments to sign on a sheet of paper: 1) devote oneself to the churches in general; 2) devote oneself to New Life Church. After the music started again, a few went up, and then more followed. I was standing there in tears, overwhelmed by love and sadness. My heart ran to the people who were ready to submit themselves completely. And I was sad that I was not there yet.

I was afraid that I was doomed to fail it if I had made those commitments. But I know I want to make a change. I am taking one step at a time. It is for sure that I will get there someday and stand firm in front of everybody. Maybe that day will come very soon.

distance

Recently I have felt broken-hearted. Things are fine in my life. However, I missed God. It felt like he was playing hide-and-seek with me. When I prayed at night, it was more like a routine than a sincere talk. I read the Bible, but nothing much was left in my head. I was trying to contribute more to the church, but I was doubting my own relationship with God.

I thought I was walking towards the right direction because of all the things I had been doing. I was very frustrated with God because I felt I was nowhere closer to him. Since he seemed absent, I even started to make excuses again so that I could do something and pretended it was alright with him. Now as I sit down and look into our relationship, I wonder if he was using the distance to tell me something, something that I remembered by the words but have forgotten to practice for a while.

What he wants from me the most is not me reading the Bible or doing things for him. He wants a real and genuine relationship with me. He wants me to share with him my life and soul. He wants me to invite him into my heart. And my heart is what I am presenting to him.

nostalgia

I was getting myself ready to work a little bit on my thesis revision, so I put on Third Day's music. As the song "tunnel" came out of the speakers (which is also my cell phone's ringtone), a sudden nostalgia struck me hard.

How strange! My heart longs for a place that I have never been to. It was such a sweet and sad mixture of feelings. You know someone is waiting at home for you, yet there is still a long journey ahead before you get to see his face.

how to forgive a friend

I have to admit that it still hurts. A friend whom I hold dear to my heart said something to me the other day that makes me deeply doubt my ability to maintain the sincerity and depth of this friendship.

Also, since I will be leaving, it will be another long-distance relationship in my life. I am not optimistic about that, in general, so I wonder whether it is worth all the effort especially when the other person in this relationship acted as if it was a waste of time.

What is worse is that it was not the first time that I felt this way in this friendship. There are definitely some old scars that triggered my anger and frustration.

Sometimes it seems much harder to forgive a friend than some other people. Because I love my friends and trust that they will love me in return, it makes me more vulnerable to what they say or do to me. Once the damage is made, it will take me a long time to rebuild that trust.

Does it mean that I did not forgive them? No, it is not true. I am not holding grudge against them. But things won't be the same, at least for some time. There is this fear. How can I know when I will get hurt again without any warning?

I don't know how God did that. When Jesus walked on earth, he knew his dearest friends were going to betray him. I guess he was heart-broken.

And I guess the only solution is to keep loving God and obeying him. If forgiveness is what he requires of me to offer, I should forgive with joy and peace a friend or an enemy. And if love is the greatest gift, I need to keep loving, fearlessly, for his love is never failing. My love for my friends and family is not even comparable to what he has given and will be giving to me.