Thursday, March 29, 2007

be influential

I bought another book "the inner voice of love" by Henri Nouwen. He is becoming one of my favorite Christian authors. I love Nouwen for his openness and honesty about his own brokenness which I can relate to mine.

Last week I finished "life of the beloved". It was not the book I expected, because he wasn't successful in speaking to the secular world as he intended to. But it is a good book. Here is one of the paragraphes I like. It's not anything new, but it's something I need to remind myself of again and again.

"Spiritually you do not belong to the world. And this is precisely why you are sent into the world. Your family and your friends, your colleagues and your competitiors, and all the people you may meet on your journey through life are all searching for more than survival. Your presence among them as the one who is sent will allow them to catch a glimpse of the real life."

No matter how many times I have been disappointed by the reality, I still think of myself as an idealist from this world's point of view. I still believe that any small action or gesture from me would have some influence on people around me. And by doing that, I believe that I put God before myself and sometimes it helps me get rid of my self-pity or resentment toward others.

For example, I invited my colleagues to church last week. Only one was interested, yet ended up not going, but I don't regret doing that. I don't know how this tiny invitation would influence their lives, or not. I only know that I have seen God use chances like that to do amazing things.

One of my best friends told me that she went to a local church last Friday. I am not sure if I have been of any influence on her about this topic, but she knows everything about me and I have been encouraging her to seek God. At least what I have been saying and doing did not put a negative effect on her path, which is something I worry about when I talk to non-religious people.

All in all, I don't understand why and how God does things. Yet I do what I do if I could.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

equal affection

I came to realize that I will probably never be able to become the person who gives without asking being given back, or love without fearing the pains.

At first I thought I could try and I tried. When I was all happy and confident, I enjoyed loving and giving. But when I was down, I wanted confirmation of affection from my family and friends. I wanted to know that they loved me as much as I loved them.

Sometimes I got plain disppointment. When I couldn't get help from friends to whom I had offered help, or when I realized that I didn't have the same priority in my friends' lives as them in my live, I became furious and started to doubt the genuineness of that relationship. At the same time, I knew I shouldn't have such resentful attitude against other people. Sometimes all those mixed feelings could lead to self-rejection. It has been extremely unhealthy for me.

God put himself in a vulnerable place by loving me. I know I have hurt him millions of times. But I just have to lower the bar for myself. It's ok that my friends couldn't offer what I asked for. It's ok that I was angry. And it's also ok that I can't reach up to the standard.

I can only give what will be returned. This is my ability right here right now. I know I am stepping back a little, but it's for the goodness of my heart.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

my first public prayer

Last Friday night my husband and I went to his church. Surprisingly it had been a really pleasant experience. I had chance to talk to some people and was especially impressed by this Chinese guy who was leading our group. Although I met him for the first time, I could feel the warmness and at the same time a calming effect from him. One of the Americans in our small group said that this guy inspired him and lead him to Christ. Later I told my husband about it and he spoke very highly of this guy too.

I felt truly happy for God whenever I meet someone who lives his words and glorifies him. It also gives me hope in many ways.

I enjoyed our small group. We had many good laughs during our discussion. At the end, we spinned the pen to decide who would give the prayer. And it's me!!! I was kind of excited about it. To be honest, I had been wanting to do that and never had the courage to volunteer. This was God's will and it's the perfect chance because I knew neither of them. So I said the prayer. It wasn't too hard for me. After I told them that was the first time for me, they were excited too and said many nice things to encourage me.

Besides all the good feelings, I was aware of the fact that I still couldn't get rid of some of the bad habit or thought. Sometimes I still tried to perform. Or even if I was doing it intentionally, later I would think about how others evaluate my act. It was totally unnecessary.

I want to love and accept myself 100%. I want to be secure and absolutely free in God's existence.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

a homecoming story

I finished "the Return of the Prodigal Son" by Henri Nouwen a couple of minutes ago. Although I didn't agree with 100% of what he saw from the painting, I am deeply moved by his wisdom, compassion and honesty in the journey of returning home.

If "waking the dead" was my favorite book at the beginning of my own journey, right now I can relate so much with "the return of the Prodigal son". I see both the younger son and the elder son in myself.

In my early years when I was totally lost, I was like the younger son. Fortunately I found the way home. But among all the chapters, I like the one about the elder son the most. I can't be more familiar with the heart for competition, the critical eyes, the feelings of jealousy and anger, the need for attention and gratitude, and the refusal to rejoice with God and his family.

And I see my resistance against receiving our father's love because of pride and distrust, and my resistance against becoming the one who is like him. I want to remain the child. It is a better position to receive forgiveness than offer it. I want to keep myself "safe" from the pains that others might cause me.

Reading this book rips off all the excuses I have used to defend myself and shows the truth that I can't ignore or deny. I have to let go the child in me. Let compassion and love cast out fears of being hurt, rejected, neglected, or misunderstood, for our father is love and compassion.

Friday, March 09, 2007

thankful

One of my best friends called me tonight. We haven't talked for more than a week. I was very happy that she called, because I have been missing my friends.

That was a conversation I appreciate. We didn't talk about anything deep. But we both had chance to say whatever was in our mind and we were willing to listen to each other. I was curious of how she was doing and what her everyday life is now. And she asked me questions and let me talk.

I feel loved and respected. I was about to go insane, but during the conversation clarity gradually returned to my mind.

God amazes me every time by how he lifts me up. He knows what I need most right now. He taught me to open up my feelings to people who I know care about me.

I am also grateful for the promising side my marriage has shown. God has been working on both of us. We changed for the good in his hand. My heart had a huge hole, but he is making it new and pure.

Though it's too early to say everything will keep going the right direction, I want to put more faith in God and let him take the wheel.

He is good. He loves me.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

long-distance relationship

Long-distance relationships are probably the most important thing in my life, such as relationships with my husband, my family and my best friends.

I am not good at handling relationships, especially long-distance ones. Part of the reason is that I forget. I have a hard time holding onto things that don't happen everyday around me.

I also have long-distance relationships with people who are geographically close to me, for example, girls in my lifegroup. So we meet once a week and we exchange updates in our lives. That's all. I don't feel comfortable calling them when I need someone to talk to.

Sometimes I even feel the distance with God. I know it must be me, but it is a frustrating situation. At times like that, I feel he doesn't care as much as I thought.

It has been constant struggles for me to keep nurturing those relationships. I hope with God's help, someday it will be more natural and much easier.