self-loathing

I have been pretty cranky lately. Nothing really happened. Probably that's why. I feel I am wasting my life away, so I am angry with myself.

God has given me a lot of things, but I haven't tried my best to use my gifts. Quite contrarily, I often do things half-assedly, choose the easiest way and give up easily. I spend a lot of time on nothing just to avoid doing what need to be done. I know procrastination is a common issue, but God asked me to work hard as I am working for him. It's for sure that I am constantly failing him.

What's the point of saying that you love somebody and at the same time acting the opposite way? I don't want to be a hypocrite or take advantage of God's grace.

On the other hand, I know he has been working on me and I am a changed person now. Maybe I should be more patient and keep praying for the characters I want. After all, it takes time.