a quote

"Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next door neighbor... Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting."

---Mother Teresa

confused

This is the feeling I got almost every time after I read Old Testament. What was God thinking? Did that really happen?

I know I should not make any assumption or conclusion based on my limited understanding. However, I feel deeply troubled after I finished "Judges" today. People in my lifegroup said it's good book (yeah, since it's in Bible) and there are good stories. So am I missing something here? 'coz I didn't like it at all.

There are stories, lots of them, filled with schemes, betray and killing. Well, from that point of view, they might be good stories. But they are deeply bothering me. I can't really say why.

Interestingly I got a couple of magazines from the lady who visited me. One of them has this article talking about the story of this father submitting his daughter to God. I didn't like the fact that it ignored the part where the father actually sacrifised his daughter as burnt offerings. Maybe they think that's too brutal to attract some new believers.

I am afraid so.

what can I do

Again, I wish I knew my bible better so that I can speak up the truth when Christianity is attacked.

There are a couple of posts at this Chinese message board with topics like "how can I avoid Christian co-workers" or "the reasons why I do not want to be a Christian". I respect their choice. At leas they are taking this life seriously and making some choice. What I can't bear is that they have wrong ideas about Christianity due to the behaviors or talks of some Christians.

I feel sad for God and for these people. I hope I can do something about it. At least I will try to clarify things I know. These days I have this anxiety in me about this world. Not that I am such a good person. It is just that many terrible things are happening but I am doing so little about it.

God, forgive us our sins. Help me speak your words with love. Amen.

on the road

I re-listened to the sermon series "this is not our home" by Jon Shah on my way driving to Iowa. It is good to be reminded again that we are travellers with a purpose here.

I also called that friend of mine and shared my side of thoughts. We reached certain understanding. After the conversation, my spirit was much lifted.

I confronted the issue and made the right decision. Although sometimes my first instinct was still to go away and avoid dealing with the problem, the time it takes to get me back on the right track is much shorter.

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I posted some of these verses before, but it's never enough.

Hebrew 13:14 (NLT):"For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV): "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

bitterness

I am bitter. I have been in that place before. It is getting lighter, but it never really dies.

I don't think I have done anything wrong. I was able to be there for a friend. Although that friend keeps complaining about life ignoring the fact that I am in a much worse situation, I should not hold anything against that person.

I guess one of the reasons for my bitterness is that I thought I could have the same support, but I am disappointed. Again, giving with the expectation of equal return is not working here. It also makes me angry that people are not grateful for good things in their lives. They might have a good heart, but their attitude pulls me down.

Somehow it makes me doubt myself too. I won't deny that I am jealous of what that person is getting, but I am confident that it's a minor fact in this state of mind. That person apparently has a lot of friends. So am I the only person who is being impatient and insensitive?

Right now I am holding back from this friendship just to protect the well-being of my mental status. I want to be understanding and supportive no matter how I am struggling with my own life. However, I have to set the boundary so that I won't be dragged along. On one hand, that person's situation is not that bad at all. On the other hand, I am not ready yet to stand strong when people pour their negative thoughts on me. I too need the truth, love and encouragement.

Openning up and loving others makes us vulnerable. It is hard enough doing that for friends. And God asked us to love all the sinners. How amazing is that!

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Psalm 27
11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.

12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.

13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

time and money

I constantly struggle with how to spend my time and money wisely. I spent way too much both of them on things that haven't done me any good financially or spiritually.

Today I finally got up early and went to the church. They are putting up a series about finance, which is great for me. The sermon is good. I enjoyed it. Especially when the pastor talked about how the Pharisees did nothing more what was commanded, I felt he was talking about me.

Several weeks ago I was visited by two ladies from one of other churches in Ann Arbor. Till now I am still not sure why they are interested in me, but I was ready to hear "donation" from them and I was going to say no. My reason would be that I have done such and such. Then I am no different from those Pharisees. I am still spending money on a lot of things I don't necessarily need. Just a couple of minutes ago I was attracted by one of the advertising emails and thought I might go for something. Compared to that, what I has been giving to the poor is nothing.

Almost everyday I am torn between the desire of buying things/wasting time and the guilt from actually doing that. I am working on it and I pray that God work on me. Based on what he has done for me, I have no doubt that I will have peace with myself in that area as long as my heart truly asks for it.

Sidenotes:
It was a bonus that today they played the video of people flipping cards for the church devotion. I knew it could be moving, but it is so powerful that even by watching the video my heart is filled with so much love and I had moisture in my eyes.

happy and free

This is not how I am feeling now, but something I desire.

Freedom of my heart is very important to me. I have been a slave for so long. When the freedom comes, I can't help wondering if everything is just my illusion.

That's why I started to read "the case for creator". I still need some solid evidence to help me remember what is true to my life.

Here are the verses Brian shared with me recently.

Hebrews 12: 4-11: My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as son.Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline) then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

feeling depressed

The bad thing is that I was unable to control it.

You are my only hope.

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If everyday is one step closer to meeting you face to face, shouldn't I be joyful because you have already provided me the best things in life and all I need to do is just to serve you?

Shouldn't everyday be an adventure, an opportunity to love others and let them know you?

If I weep, shouldn't the tears be for my repentance and for your grace? You have shown me that you turned things for my good and you made me stronger and wise. Then shouldn't I be grateful now instead of complaining?