hand it over

On Monday night I was tossing and turning in my bed, feeling that I was a failure all over again. I struggled with certain issues and I thought I was making progress, but it turned out there hadn't really been too much difference.

My guilt and self-disgust was so overwhelming that my heart was in physical pain.

Then I thought, wait a minute, this is not what God wants. This is exactly the opposite to what God wants from us. Self-improvement is good, until it becomes the stumbling block between us and the freedom God promised.

So I took a deep breath and said a little prayer. Dear God, I am sorry that I am a mess no matter how I try. Please take it over from here. You are the only one who can change a person from inside out. It was such a relief. Instantly I felt peace.

Similar struggle happened again last night.

Thinking about what to do on my birthday gave me such a big distress. I was feeling very broken and insecure about my friendships. Somehow I knew God wanted me to open up and step out of my comfort zone. But what if no one comes? I argued. Trust me. He said.

I said "alright, I will do what you say, but you need to give me a great time". So this morning I sent out my invitation. Several friends gave me positive response immediately, which greatly eased my nervousness. Now I actually look forward to my birthday party and spending time with my friends.

It is in our nature that we want to take control, either for our pride, or for avoiding being hurt. But it is such a beautiful thing to learn how to trust in God and hand over everything to him. It never fails that following his words yields what is the best for us.

reflection

As I mentioned before, for the past few weeks (or maybe months) I was a little carried away by my emotions and worldly desires. I was neither at peace with God nor the people around me.

Getting back to reading really helped me sit down and look into the deep of my heart. I saw my pride and selfishness which blinded me from what matters the most---loving God with all my heart, mind and soul.

It is the greatest blessing if I could surrender myself entirely and trust him wholeheartedly. Happiness comes in naturally when we work for him and forget about self. He will take care of the rest, just like the father takes care of the needs of his children.

My struggles won't go away over night. But as long as I call for him, I will not be lost. He will find me and lift me up again and again.

from east to west

I finished Ravi Zacharias' autobiography "Walking from east to west" during my NY trip. In general I enjoyed it. He is a great story-teller, as well as a logical thinker. It is a beautiful thing that he has been using his amazing preaching skills around the world.

It got me to think about how I could use my talent to serve God. Or, what is the purpose of my life designed by God? I am still somewhere near clueless. I can trace back how my personality has matured over the years by certain events, but I don't see clearly why I am here doing what I do or where I will be in the future. I know for sure that it can't be just about self-improvement.

Apologetics attracts my interest. And pains in broken relationships always make my heart tender. But where God wants me to be might be a totally different story. Sometimes I don't think I am ready to be used by him, but when I came to think about Moses, I was reminded that it is not up to me. When the time is up, God will make us ready.