a long sentence

It took me a few minutes to dissect it and then put together in order to fully understand what it means.

"The fact that it is possible for anyone to say of those who claim to seek holiness that the profession has not been accompanied with increasing humility, is a loud call to all earnest Christians, whatever truth there be in the charge, to prove that meekness and lowliness of heart are the chief marks by which they who follow the Lamb of God are to be known."

---Humility by Andrew Murray

another reminder to myself

Here are priorities for the sake of my soul:

1. Stay free from worldly traps. Remember my true identity and my purpose in this world;

2. Love myself. Never let other people make me feel unworthy of God's love.

3. Have peace with God, myself, and other people. Do what's right with God's words. But if I fail, ask for forgiveness and do not carry the burden.

4. Keep an open heart with God. Turn to him at any moment I need help. Pray sincerely.

5. Love others, but understand their limitations.

6. Set boundaries to my love and to what I can give. Learn to appreciate other people's boundaries.

quotes from The Problem of Pain

Regarding shame:

"We are told to 'get things out into the open', not for the sake of self-humiliation, but on the grounds that these 'things' are very natural and we need not be ashamed of them. But unless Christianity is wholly false, the perception of ourselves which we have in moments of shame must be the only true one; and even Pagan society has usually recognised 'shamelessness' as the nadir of the soul. ... It is mad work to remove hypocrisy by removing the temptation to hypocrisy: the 'frankness' of people sunk below shame is a very cheap frankness."

Regarding sadness:

"My own idea, for what it is worth, is that all sadness which is not either arising from the repentance of a concrete sin and hastening towards concrete amendment or restitution, or else arising from pity and hastening to active assistance, is simply bad; and I think we all sin by needlessly disobeying the apostolic injuntion to 'rejoice' as much as by anything else."

realization

Joel Osteen's sermon was on TV, so I watched it. It was good. Although it delivered something I am not sure of, it made me realize what my problem has been these days.

I am losing my faith in God. That's it.

Theoretically I know he loves me, but I stopped to believe that he loves me enough to lead me back onto the right path when I am lost. I am trying too hard myself. I felt I had to make things right. By doing that, I was actually doubting God's love for me.

I was afraid of failing him. However, my fear was a direct insult to God's grace and power. I forgot that he has a plan for me and I don't have to worry. He knows where I will fail and he knows what I can do.

I love him, but I closed my heart to receive his love for me. And I forgot who he is and what he is capable of.

a quote --- earth

"I think earth, if chosen instead of Heaven, will turn out to have been, all along, only a region in Hell; and earth, if put second to Heaven, to have been from the beginning a part of Heaven itself."

---The Great Divorce by C. S. Lewis

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I am chewing on this sentence. I feel like I has been going through Hell. Although things have been cleared, apologies given and forgiveness received, my heart is still pinned down. I need more time to recover from the anger, disappointment, resentment and desparation that had haunted me for days.

God was the only comfort to my soul. Knowing that he feels what I feel, weeps when I weep and will always be there for me makes me want to go home more than ever.

I am still fighting the fight so that my soul can be set free. The devil has set multiple traps. I feel I have been attacked viciously. Yet he can't win because love is greater. And if I am longing for heaven, no matter how much suffering I have it here, I will know it is all worthy when I get home.