love
Nothing really happened on Monday night. It's just that my husband told me he was tired so he didn't want to talk much over the phone. I don't know what got me, but I started to feel bad about myself from that point.
Lying there in my bed, I couldn't help wondering what's wrong with me. One phone call could easily make me doubt myself and my life. That's ridiculous. We were not even in fight or anything. He was feeling tired and wanted to get some rest. That's all.
Then I started to pray that God bring me peace and wisdom. I knew that I was failing him. And he answered my prayer right away. While talking to him, I gained back my serenity and security. And it hit me, again. The reason is that I am still relying on other people or things to validate myself. It's not that I shouldn't love my husband, but I should not take what he (or anyone else) says or does as the standard to measure myself.
God should always be the one and the only one I live for. His love never fails me, so I should never feel insecure about my identity. He made me for a purpose. Everything I do matters to him. Although I am unable to do it now, one day I will be the richest and happiest person in the world because he is the love of my life. I know if I love someone passionately, I won't hesitate to take the bullet for him or her.
Actually, as I was thinking about this, I felt I wouldn't hesitate to take the bullet for anyone. I would be happy to do that. This way I would save a life and get to see God. Well, it's me talking here. I don't know how I would react when things like that really happen.
Last night I was talking with a friend through MSN. She said when she was a student, her advisor cared a lot about the appearance, accessories, restaurants, things like that. So her whole group bought Apple laptops because her advisor liked Apple, but she bought Dell to save some money. She got mocked by the group members all the time. She said she felt bad back then.
What happened to my friend brought deep sadness into my heart. Without God in their lives, it's hard for people not to worship those idols and try to get validation from the things they have or people they deal with. I tried to comfort her, but how can we stand alone with confidence in ourselves if we are unaware that God's love is shining through us?
When I went to college, I was this small town girl in the big city. I didn't like how I felt back then. People there always judge other based on where they are from, what they wear, how pretty they are, etc. It can easily make you feel worthless. My life has not been too hard because I has always been the smart kid in class. I barely studied but managed to get high scores, so my classmates thought I was cool because of that. But I never really enjoyed my college years.
These are also the reasons I don't like Las Vegas. I felt depressed and irritated whenever I was there. It might be a reflection of my poor faith back then. If my life is abundant due to God's grace alone, I would be able to walk any corner of the world with peace, and I would be able to love anyone no matter who they are.
A few days ago I had a diret confrontation with one of my coworkers. It reminds me of how difficult it is to love the people in your life. I wish I had chosen a better way to deal with the conflicts. The fact is that from time to time I still try to justify what I have done. Even if I was right and he was wrong, I felt it's not exactly the way God wanted me to handle it.
I don't hate anybody, but I know I am "good" at ignoring people I don't care. Love each other, he said. It's impossible, I told him. Try your very best. But I don't want to.
It shocked myself that was the answer. It's not that I can't. It's because I don't want to. Because it will make me look weak. Or because people would take advantage of the situation. Or because I really don't care how they feel. What I do is still based on my needs. It's the interesting part of this free will thing and this love thing.
I do things based on my free will. But because I love him, whether or not I do it his way determines how good I feel afterwards. The fact he forgives me unconditionally doesn't necessarily take away the guilt. At least not right away. Sometimes I really don't like the free will thing. He knows we are going to something stupid all the time. Maybe he enjoys seeing that as long as no terrible harm is done, just like parents enjoy seeing their little babies do something silly, like insisting eating by themselves and then spilling their food all over the place. It's the learning process.
Maybe all the excuses I have been using in order not to do something can be summarized to this single reason. I don't want to. I remember back to the days my marriage was at risk. I finally got to the core of the problem. I didn't want to love my husband. I felt I would be better off without him. It has nothing to do with whether or not I had the ability to do it. I simly didn't want to try any more.
God loves me so much that he didn't let me make that mistake. Right after I asked him to help me love my husband, he showed me the way. He also amazed me by the way he helped my husband to grow up. To me, it was a miracle that can only be delivered by God's grace. I don't deserve it, yet he gave it to me as soon as I asked for it.
He loves you that much too.
Lying there in my bed, I couldn't help wondering what's wrong with me. One phone call could easily make me doubt myself and my life. That's ridiculous. We were not even in fight or anything. He was feeling tired and wanted to get some rest. That's all.
Then I started to pray that God bring me peace and wisdom. I knew that I was failing him. And he answered my prayer right away. While talking to him, I gained back my serenity and security. And it hit me, again. The reason is that I am still relying on other people or things to validate myself. It's not that I shouldn't love my husband, but I should not take what he (or anyone else) says or does as the standard to measure myself.
God should always be the one and the only one I live for. His love never fails me, so I should never feel insecure about my identity. He made me for a purpose. Everything I do matters to him. Although I am unable to do it now, one day I will be the richest and happiest person in the world because he is the love of my life. I know if I love someone passionately, I won't hesitate to take the bullet for him or her.
Actually, as I was thinking about this, I felt I wouldn't hesitate to take the bullet for anyone. I would be happy to do that. This way I would save a life and get to see God. Well, it's me talking here. I don't know how I would react when things like that really happen.
Last night I was talking with a friend through MSN. She said when she was a student, her advisor cared a lot about the appearance, accessories, restaurants, things like that. So her whole group bought Apple laptops because her advisor liked Apple, but she bought Dell to save some money. She got mocked by the group members all the time. She said she felt bad back then.
What happened to my friend brought deep sadness into my heart. Without God in their lives, it's hard for people not to worship those idols and try to get validation from the things they have or people they deal with. I tried to comfort her, but how can we stand alone with confidence in ourselves if we are unaware that God's love is shining through us?
When I went to college, I was this small town girl in the big city. I didn't like how I felt back then. People there always judge other based on where they are from, what they wear, how pretty they are, etc. It can easily make you feel worthless. My life has not been too hard because I has always been the smart kid in class. I barely studied but managed to get high scores, so my classmates thought I was cool because of that. But I never really enjoyed my college years.
These are also the reasons I don't like Las Vegas. I felt depressed and irritated whenever I was there. It might be a reflection of my poor faith back then. If my life is abundant due to God's grace alone, I would be able to walk any corner of the world with peace, and I would be able to love anyone no matter who they are.
A few days ago I had a diret confrontation with one of my coworkers. It reminds me of how difficult it is to love the people in your life. I wish I had chosen a better way to deal with the conflicts. The fact is that from time to time I still try to justify what I have done. Even if I was right and he was wrong, I felt it's not exactly the way God wanted me to handle it.
I don't hate anybody, but I know I am "good" at ignoring people I don't care. Love each other, he said. It's impossible, I told him. Try your very best. But I don't want to.
It shocked myself that was the answer. It's not that I can't. It's because I don't want to. Because it will make me look weak. Or because people would take advantage of the situation. Or because I really don't care how they feel. What I do is still based on my needs. It's the interesting part of this free will thing and this love thing.
I do things based on my free will. But because I love him, whether or not I do it his way determines how good I feel afterwards. The fact he forgives me unconditionally doesn't necessarily take away the guilt. At least not right away. Sometimes I really don't like the free will thing. He knows we are going to something stupid all the time. Maybe he enjoys seeing that as long as no terrible harm is done, just like parents enjoy seeing their little babies do something silly, like insisting eating by themselves and then spilling their food all over the place. It's the learning process.
Maybe all the excuses I have been using in order not to do something can be summarized to this single reason. I don't want to. I remember back to the days my marriage was at risk. I finally got to the core of the problem. I didn't want to love my husband. I felt I would be better off without him. It has nothing to do with whether or not I had the ability to do it. I simly didn't want to try any more.
God loves me so much that he didn't let me make that mistake. Right after I asked him to help me love my husband, he showed me the way. He also amazed me by the way he helped my husband to grow up. To me, it was a miracle that can only be delivered by God's grace. I don't deserve it, yet he gave it to me as soon as I asked for it.
He loves you that much too.
posted by beneathwing at 12:52 PM
3 Comments:
I love this post. It is amazing! I have been praying about this myself. Through you I am able to see God speaking so clearly to me. Thank you for sharing!!!!
Thank you!
I did feel that God wanted to speak through me. Those words had been roaming in my head for a few days before I had time to write them down.
Sherry, without a doubt my favorite post of yours. I agree that the clarity and insight points to God's direction.
My favorite part was...
"I don't hate anybody, but I know I am "good" at ignoring people I don't care. Love each other, he said. It's impossible, I told him. Try your very best. But I don't want to."
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