tired

I felt drained after my lifegroup. My heart is so heavy. It took more energy to match up the whole happy set.

I have nothing to give now. It is too much for me. I am sorry.

let's try harder

I finally finished "what's so amazing about grace". Due to my poor spirituality, I left the last ten pages hang there for about a month. I am glad that I finally picked it up and I still loved it.

I need to read it again. There are many things I didn't quite understand and many things I have forgotten. It sheds good insights to some of my questions. Also, it helps me escape some morality cycles.

This morning someone posted her experience with her boss (who is a Christian) in a Chinese message board. And this person showed a lot of anger towards christians in general.

I could understand her frustration, but I couldn't agree with her words, so I replied to her message, hoping to make a little difference.

It makes me sad that many people have no idea that grace is the most important thing in Christianity. It is such a great gift from God and a gift we can choose to give others. Or at least we can try.

Like what is cited in the book, "of one hundred men, one will read the Bible; the ninety-nine will read the Christian". So a little more efforts by Christians in everyday life could make a huge difference to others and the society.

I shouldn't judge anybody. But I am really curious of what some people believe and how they view their religion, if they could be honest with themselves and God.

forgive vs. forget

I need to forgive. I was trying to forget things that hurt me before. But it doesn't mend the wounds. I have to forgive people who have done them, regardless of their reasons.

I must forgive. For my own goodness.

what is being strong

Lately I have been telling myself that I should be strong so even if everybody leaves me, I will be just fine.

But I was wrong. It didn't help me. I still felt betrayed, or lonely, or hurt from time to time. Actually it was worse. I closed myself again. I stepped back from my relationships.

What is being strong anyway? Maybe I need to re-define that.

I admitted to a friend today that I was in a terrible spiritual status. And I was glad that I was able to do that.

So that's what I should do.

I should be strong enough to

---admit that I am weak and I need help, even if there is a chance that I won't get it.

--- give, even if I can't get the same amount in return.

---ask my friends to love me, even if sometimes I won't get what I ask for and it could hurt deeply.

---love more than I can endure, even if all the people I love leave me someday. And I should still be able to love them now, and then, and as long as I remember.

The most important, I should be strong enough to love myself, no matter what happens, because God made me and he loves me.

do not lost heart

I am feeling better tonight.

It has been a while since I lost my vision. I was stuck in a wheel. All I thought about was to keep the wheel running, and I was very stressed.

I decided to take a break tonight. I thought about reasons why I felt so distant not only from God but also from my friends. And I reminded myself of what's the most important thing in this life.

I was so close to lose my heart. Actually I thought I already lost it. Last night I thought about Charles Templeton, because I felt I longed for God, but I just couldn't.

But fortunately I see a little clearly now.

It was not easy. Never was. I don't wanna go through this again. But if I have to, I hope I can be stronger.

remember

it's not just about how I feel.

It's also about what I believe and what I do.

what's next?

I am walking backwards. But I won't be able to return to the starting point where I was filled with exciteness.

Something needs to be done to change the situation.

draw me closer

Now it is a weird stage. I feel very distant and at the same time very close to God.

I have no desire to read any books, or go to church, or even go to my lifegroup, but I am very sure that he is right here with me.

Because of all the things happening in my life, I have been over-stressed in the past few weeks. There were a few nights I simly couldn't sleep. Yet I had to finish my work so that I wouldn't blow everything.

The only things that pulled me through was to listen to Jars of Clay and pray in every minute of my weakness. Actually most of time I didn't even get the lyrics, still those songs brought me certain level of peace.

You are my rock. Only from you comes my comfort and strength.