Tuesday, September 26, 2006

climb up

Last night I reached the bottom. I thought about killing myself again. For two nights I had horrible and desperate dreams. It has been long since the last time I felt that way.

But the good news is that I am climbing up. I have been holding on to the little truth I know.

Going back to the old self will set me in a comfortable place for a little while, but I don't want to give up like this.

God, you know all my struggles and you have been patient with me. I hope you can be proud of me.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

are you listening

Today at the career seminar the recruiter from L'oreal gave us a tip for interviews. She said, "everybody likes to talk about themselves." So she encouraged us to ask more interactive questions during interviews in order that the recruiters would open up more and we would give them a stronger impression.

It seems quite true to me. For most of the time I think I am a good listener, or at least I try to be. I like to hear people talk about all kinds of stories related to their lives. That's how I get to know someone. And when I had chance to meet people in those stories, I felt like I have known them for a long time.

However, it brought up a downside too. When I want someone to listen to my story, I don't know whom I should talk to. I know my best friend is always there for me, but sometimes I really want some different opinions from other people, especially when there are some struggles she can't really understand.

God, if you are here and if you are listening, you know that I am trying to reach for you even though I am drowning. I miss you so much.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

what can I say

I have been depressed. Many times my heart felt hurt unguardedly . It brought up some old wounds too. On the surface I have better control over my emotions now, which is not really a good thing for myself, I guess.

I hate feeling like a failure for things I do. I hate feeling I am not good enough for a healthy and strong relationship. But it just comes back over and over again. It pinned down my heart so badly that I had a hard time holding back my tears at the airport today.

The worse part is that if somebody asks me why, I don't even know what to say. Being unable to express my frustrations logically can lead to another frustration itself.

I tried to understand what God is telling me, but my own emotions are so overwhelming that I can't hear him. On the flight I thought I heard him say I am important to him, but I am not sure that's his voice.

Praying before sleep became a sort of routine and burden for me. Sometimes I couldn't even pray without asking God to help me open my heart to him first.

I saw the term "religious high" in "the case for faith". It is probably where I was a couple of weeks ago. Maybe he is trying to mature my faith. Well, hopefully.

Monday, September 18, 2006

a quote

"If the equal affection can not be,
Let the more loving one be me."

This is a quote I got this weekend from some movie.

I have been watching a lot of TV this two days since we didn't have to go to work and I didn't have the strength to work in the hotel room with a television in front of me.

I like this quote very much because this is what I have been telling myself. It is so hard to practice in relationships that sometimes giving up seems extremely tempting.

But like what Brian said, my "only defense is in Christ and trying to love more than you could possibly imagine".

So try harder.

Monday, September 11, 2006

the truth is...

We were talking about the obstacles in our lives between God and us. I said currently there was nothing to stop me from getting close to God. All I need was just time. And my life was in a relatively easy and stable stage.

"Wow, it's a good place to be." They said.

Then I was driving in my car to school. I suddenly started to doubt myself.

Is it true? Do I really think so? Could it be that I am so depressed that I am using God as an excuse to avoid things I should face on earth?

Well, I certainly didn't lie to my life group. I said what I thought was true in my heart. But the odds is that from the world's point of view, my life is the opposite.

My marriage is on the rocks. I should be graduating soon, but I still don't know exactly wat my research is about and I didn't start writing my thesis yet. I don't have any job offer, so I need to think about what to do if I don't have any income after I graduate. I will have to move because I won't be able to afford my current rent.

In a word, my life can't be more unstable and stressful right now compared to what I had before. The truth is I just don't feel this way.

God has been showing in every possible way that he loves me. So I trust his words and hand him over my worries. Though I didn't read much scripture (although I'd like to), I try to remind myself of what I knew. Love God, love others and store my treasure in heaven.

I know that there will be trials and I will lose my step and fall again. And I know that I still need to work harder although God is taking care of me. I need overcome my laziness and procrastination.

But, I want myself to remember that it can be good no matter what is happening to my life in this world, because now it is good.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

thank you

Tonight for the first time, I told my mom that I am interested in Christianity and I might become a Christian. She gave me absolute understanding. Also I told her I am having trouble with my marriage. As always, she showed me nothing but trust and love.

I have been wanting to talk with my brother about it. So I did half hour ago when I saw him online through MSN. I am not quite sure of his attitude toward my faith, but I am glad that I was able to start sharing it with my family.

God, thank you for all these undeserved blessings I have. You are so wonderful.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

what if

Matthew 5:11-12: "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

Today I was talking to an old friend of mine in China through MSN. Since I was reading the book "the Case for Faith" at the same time, I asked her this question "if historically Jesus lived and died and was raised from the dead, will you believe that there is this God". In my case, the fact related with this question is definitely the key to my faith.

However, this friend didn't quite get my question at first. Then I repeated twice and emphasized "I mean, if it is true". She refused to take the assumption, and claimed that everything must be legendary, and started to ignore me in the messenger.

I was a little upset, because apparently she misunderstood my intention and thought I wanted to convince her of something, while I was only curious about what random non-Christians would think of the importance of Jesus' resurrection to Christianity.

Now that I thought about it, my initial intention actually makes no difference. The message is the same: I am excited about God's presence and I want to share it with people. In fact, I am glad this experience gave me an idea of how difficult it would be to spread God's words to people who are not willing to open their doors.

Having a second thought, I am not sure that I would be less annoyed than my friend if I was asked such a question before I got to know about the real Christianity, although at this moment the significance of Jesus being raised from the dead is so certain and irreplaceable to me.

It feels like that I have been in two completely different worlds. I hope I can keep the ability of speaking two different languages so that people on the both sides can understand each other better, so that all of them be showered with God's love and glory, and so that God would be delighted in me.