do not complain

I have been complaining quite a bit these two days. I let my emotions take the dominant role.

It's kind of ironic because last Sunday the pastor just talked about this issue and I was thinking I was in a safe boat.

God, please forgive me for my ungraciousness. You have given me more than what I have been asking for. Still I couldn't fully appreciate my life. Please help me with my insecurity and greediness.

notes from today's service

Humility = don't have an answer?

Doesn't humility mean that we are aware of the fact everything we achieve is the gift from God and we are made to glorify him as much as we can?

Acknowledging that we don't know something could be part of humility, or simply modesty. One doesn't have to be a Christian to be modest, but being humble means a lot more.

To me, the higher level of humility is that we speak out the truth we know, do things we could and praise God for that.

Sidenote: The pastor talked about three types of weakness, the complainer, the un-family man, and the Spotter. I was confused by the last one. It seemed that his point is no matter how long we walk with God, we still need to be alert of our emotions and need to ask God to work on us.

the necessity of existence

Sometimes I wonder if I should continue with this blog. First, no one is reading it. Secondly, I feel that I am on a faith plateau and don't have much to say.

I didn't mean that I have got what I want from the relationship with God. It's just that I don't sense the same dramatic change now as I felt at the beginning of my faith. Maybe he is working on me gradually. From time to time I missed that exciteness and passion.

But this is good too. We are like lovers who step into the steady stage. I know that he is pleased with me. And he knows I want to glorify him. There is a lot more to do to deepen our relationship.

too little time

I stopped by Borders this afternoon to check if they have Paul Brand's books. Although I couldn't find them there, I noticed on the shelf of Christian books there was this one called "Christian Prayer for Dummies".

Out of my own curiosity, I read the review of this book on amazon.com. It turned out that there are two more similar books out there called "the Bible for dummies" and "Christianity for dummies".

I personally hate to see those books are in line with the fast-cook dummie books. It's just reflection of our problem---too much to learn with too little time, although sometimes I hope somebody can chew the knowledge for me and feed me the digested ideas.

Sidenote: for anyone who is interested in Christianity, I highly recommend C.S.Lewis' "Mere Christianity".

Also, here is a reminder to myself, since I am reading multiple books now.

Books to be finished: "Holy Bible"(NIV), "Captivating", "the Screwtape letters", "Wild at heart", "What's so amazing about grace", "Luther's Catechism", "Letters to Malcolm"

Books on the wish-list: "In his image", "fearfully & wonderfully made", "the gift of pain","the case for creator", "the great divorce", "Miracles"

surrender

The only two interviews I got were both because of internal referral. I didn't get a single response from other dozens of resumes I sent.

Thinking of this fact made me a little frustrated. What if I fail these two interviews? Will I be able to find a job by myself?

Then, my consciousness spoke up: what am I trying to prove? That I can be alright by myself? Or I don't need anybody's help?

Whatever I got is coming from God. He knows what is good for me. He is taking care of me through my friends and my family and my advisor. Why can't I be just grateful?

I want to surrender myself. From time to time I would forget that. God has been patient with me. He heard my prayer and reminded me that I didn't have to struggle.

God, thank you for being so good to me.

here I say

God, help me understand what you have done and what you are doing.

Help me hand over my troubles and worries to you. Please work on my procrastination, laziness, selfishness and envy.

God, give me the wisedom and strength for everyday. Remind me of your grace so that I am able to love others.

I want to be humble by your grace. I want my life to be abundant simply because you are here with me.

up and down

I believe I only have the ability to do one thing at one time.

As I am packing my luggage for the trip tomorrow, I hope I don't have to go to the conference. Just a couple of months ago, I actually asked my lifegroup to pray for me so that I could be selected to give the presentation. How ironic!

What I wanted at one moment is not necessarily what I want in the next.

Like the interview today. I believe it went well, and I hope it went well. But is this job really what I want? Will it provide me a good life? Maybe, or maybe not.

I have a difficulty seeing the big picture. I hope God could help me have more insight into what is in front of me.

Right now, I am only driven by all kinds of things on my to-do list. I can only try not to screw up.

I was studying the behavioral questions last night for my interview. They have this general fomula for those questions, which is situation + action = result.

Life is a big test, consisted of numerous small trials. The situation is not that important. The key is how I react to it and what I can get at last.

So whatever I do, as long as it brings me closer to God, I can say I pass the test.

dear sister

Thanks for the email.

Yes, God is awesome. Sometimes it is just so easy to forget that. Sometimes it's hard to keep our trust in him because things are not as what we expected.

But he is good, just and loving. He is the greatest lover we can have. He is always there when we call for him. He wants to give us whatever is good for us, even if it means the sacrifice of his own life. Every beauty you see in this world, that's the gift from God.

I have been quite depressed recently. Last night God asked me to read a book. Actually he asked me to read it the night before, but I ignored his voice.

So last night I read it. And it reminded me of how wonderful he is and how he loves me. It gave comfort and peace to my heart instantly.

I hope that God answer your prayers and heal your wounds. Also I pray that he give you strength and wisdom to go through every trial in your life in this world.

It will be all worthy to be with him for the eternity.

here I am, in front of you

There was a new member in our lifegroup tonight. So she asked me how long I had been a Christian.

I said, "um...I am not one yet."

Ciara yelled at me:"Come on! How long have you been seeking God?"

"Half year, I guess." I was not very sure of the answer.

Then after the meeting, this got stuck in my head. So I can call myself Christian now? Me? Really?

I know God has been wanting me to make a commitment, but I have been wondering around some buffer zone for a couple of months.

Last weekend I did a lot of thinking. I felt I was ready. I even thought about getting baptized by Troy because I don't want to make it a big deal, although it is huge for me.

It is odd that I want to commit to God at this moment because these days has not been the sweetest part of my life. My heart ached almost every minute when I was awake. I was asking God to give me wisdom to understand what happened and guide me to do the right thing which leads to his kingdom.

I think God intentionally put me out there tonight for that question. He wanted my answer.

So this is it.