I have made an important decision to change the things. Bhramara and I had a long conversation about it yesterday and it was good.

I am excited about this, but I am unsure if I could avoid hurting some people's feelings.

thirst

I have been feeling lonely and helpless for the past week. I met with my friends and had a few laughs with them, but there has been another me who is bitter, broken and miserable.

When I look at the people around me, I see their lives are just as messed up as mine.

I am having a hard time relating this brokenness with God's promise. I don't see how any of my friends would be able to help me. And I don't know what to say to their problems either.

one month to live

Last Sunday I heard that an older guy who came to our conversation group passed away. It was shocking to me, because I saw him right before the spring break.

What bothers me more is that I was not crazy about being in the same group with him, because sometimes what he said irritated me, even though he was a nice guy.

Now he is gone.

If I had known he only got one month to live, I am sure that I would have done things differently. I would have greeted him more genuinely. I would have been more upfront with my opinions other than trying to avoid him. I would have said "thank you" at least once for his enthusiasm to reach out. Now I can only ask for God's forgiveness, and pray that next time when someone gets on my nerve, I would think of him and I could handle things in a more godly way.

Mark, may your soul rest in peace. Through Christ, I hope to see you again.

another perspective

Mark 9:40:"...,for whoever is not against us is for us."

The reason why I have been thinking about this verse is that I had some doubts about one of my friends, about whether they really care about me, and about whether it is worthy spending time with them.

Then during the worship service at church last Sunday, I suddenly got some perspective from God. The only reason why I struggled so much is that I put my interest before God's.

If there is a war, and indeed there is, does it really matter whether or not this person is willing to do something for me? What is crucial is that they do not fall into the hands of the devil. And God is going to use me to win that battle.

sounds like a good prayer

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity"

---Hosanna by Hillsong

make-believe?

Some might say that Christianity is make-believe. To me, God's words speak the truth. However, to some extent, it was like a make-believe at certain stages of my faith.

It is no surprise. In many ways our relationship with God is like our earthly relationships. Or it should be put the other way around. We are made in his image, and our earthly relationships resemble our relationship with God.

Like in any relationship, there are struggles. Since we are given free will, we do have a choice to hold on or back out. And many times we can not see clearly who he is and who we are. But it is important that we make the decision to believe that God is good, just and loving. Then we ask him to reveal himself to us. And he will.

From a non-Christian point of view, it is much like a make-believe. But for anyone who ever experienced a struggling relationship, it is clear that it is just one necessary step to start a relationship, or to fight for it when troubles come.

For us Christians, it is also a practice. The more we make the right decision, the easier it gets to put trust in God.