no title

This morning I got up at 6:40am and spent two hours at the depression center. I was disappointed. Although I was able to purge something out, the effect of talking to that person was no better than talking to one of my best friends.

I am hesitant about keeping on going, although I made another appointment.

On the other hand, I am not that depressed any more. Confronting instead of avoiding issues in my marriage has been doing good to me. I still fear potential failure in this relationship, but right now things seem promising.

Tonight I went to the discipleship group and got to know a very nice girl. She is a friend of a couple I know. All of them are involved in the ministry of a Chinese church I attended for a couple of times a few years ago. I told her that I'd be interested in giving them a hand if it is feasible.

This is something I have been wanting to do for a long time---helping my own people. The stumbling block is that I was not a big fan of the pastor there. I am not sure of what I can offer now and how I will handle it, but I am willing to take a small step toward my goal.

I just pray that if this is my calling, God would help me conquer my weakness and provide me knowledge, wisdom and strength.

Ephesians 4: 11-15

11It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, 12to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

14Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. 15Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

lover of my soul

Last night I saw a glimpse of hope in my marriage. We were driving from his friend's house back to his apt. Somehow we started to talk about Old Testament.

For a long time I had been telling my friends that I didn't feel I was loving anybody. Surely I love my family and my friends, but that's not what I meant. It was a sad fact. I am in a marriage. I am supposed to feel loving and being loved.

Anyway, when we were talking about Jesus, suddenly my heart was flooded with love. It was so strong and passionate. At that moment, I realized that what I had told my friends was not true. I was and am in love with this most amazing being. No one can ever compares to him.

If only we can share our love for God, if God is willing to help us, there will be a surviving chance for this marriage, because this love is far more and better than what is needed.

a few thoughts about marriage

We are now working on our marriage, again. I am not sure where it is going. I hope there will be some good output.

Tomorrow I am going to visit him for the first time since we seperated a few months ago. Now I am willing to confront the problems and give it another and probably final shot. I wanna see if this time things can be different because I have realized some of my own issues and attempted to overcome them.

Tonight I saw the snow and suddenly remembered that when we were dating, he pulled my arms to help me slide on the snow. We were happy together back then.

Maybe he didn't change. Maybe I am asking for more.

I hope God will help us figure things out and put my mind at ease. If God loves him, I should too.

stories

Yesterday I was watching TV at home while having my lunch. There was this incredible story about a woman who once was a prostitute and then a porn star, but never gave up her faith, and is finally having a normal and healthy life. Actually, it looks like a pretty good life.

I was touched, especially when she said that she felt God didn't care about her. She said she had faith but she didn't have trust in God. Again, disappointment with God.

Then I was wondering if they could find someone who is still struggling and living the crappy life but very happy with God. That'll be more impressive. But I guess one of their purposes was to tell people that by following Jesus you can have a better life. My point was proven by their next story: a church survived in Katrina because of God.

Well, I don't know. I have an uneasy feeling about this kind of stories. Did God promise us better life here on earth? Seriously I don't have the answer. He did tell us to seek and he said we will find. My thoughts lead me to Yancey's latest book "prayer".

Maybe God performed a miracle and saved the church during Katrina. I am sure there were many other churches or homes that were destroyed even though people who went to those churches or owned those houses have loved God. The case would be like Jesus healing the blind and paralytic here and there.

My point is that I just don't want to accept the message that was delivered through those touching sometimes miraculous stories. To me, it is incomplete and misleading.

Dive by Steven Curtis Chapman

Last night I listened to this song for the first time and I loved it instantly. It is just perfect for a new believer.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=0DEbi221h10

disappointment with God

I am 3/5 through Philip Yancey's "disappointment with God".

It was very easy-reading. And it fits well my life right now. I am going through a rough time. A lot of self-denial and doubts. But strangely, I am not disappointed with God.

I don't mean that I have great faith. Not at all. It would probably shatter in front of slightest tests.

Where is God? Does he even exist? Is he still watching over me? Is it because of anything I did wrong? What should I do to change the situation? Will it change at all? ...

I am overwhelmed by my own questions and the reality that everything in my life is messed up.

It's not God. It's me. It reminds me of the line that George in Seinfeld used to break up with his girlfriends.

Would it help me feel better to blame everything on God?

too hard on myself

Am I? Maybe.

Ever since I had my conscience, I have been working on being a better person, which is not a bad thing. But it does have a few negative effects on me.

First, I would feel intimidated if anyone criticizes me. I am a good person and I am still trying! What more do you want from me?!

Secondly, I get frustrated constantly. There are weaknesses I was unable to overcome. And I will never be a perfect person. Sometimes I would be feel so tired and disgusted of myself that I just want to give up everything. Why bother? What's the point?

Then, I tend to have high expectation for others too, which would bring pressure into relationships.

Right now I don't have a solution for this. I am at a very low point of my life. But I want to let it out. Acknowledge my problems. Hopefully they can be resolved later.