equal affection

I came to realize that I will probably never be able to become the person who gives without asking being given back, or love without fearing the pains.

At first I thought I could try and I tried. When I was all happy and confident, I enjoyed loving and giving. But when I was down, I wanted confirmation of affection from my family and friends. I wanted to know that they loved me as much as I loved them.

Sometimes I got plain disppointment. When I couldn't get help from friends to whom I had offered help, or when I realized that I didn't have the same priority in my friends' lives as them in my live, I became furious and started to doubt the genuineness of that relationship. At the same time, I knew I shouldn't have such resentful attitude against other people. Sometimes all those mixed feelings could lead to self-rejection. It has been extremely unhealthy for me.

God put himself in a vulnerable place by loving me. I know I have hurt him millions of times. But I just have to lower the bar for myself. It's ok that my friends couldn't offer what I asked for. It's ok that I was angry. And it's also ok that I can't reach up to the standard.

I can only give what will be returned. This is my ability right here right now. I know I am stepping back a little, but it's for the goodness of my heart.