what can I say

I have been depressed. Many times my heart felt hurt unguardedly . It brought up some old wounds too. On the surface I have better control over my emotions now, which is not really a good thing for myself, I guess.

I hate feeling like a failure for things I do. I hate feeling I am not good enough for a healthy and strong relationship. But it just comes back over and over again. It pinned down my heart so badly that I had a hard time holding back my tears at the airport today.

The worse part is that if somebody asks me why, I don't even know what to say. Being unable to express my frustrations logically can lead to another frustration itself.

I tried to understand what God is telling me, but my own emotions are so overwhelming that I can't hear him. On the flight I thought I heard him say I am important to him, but I am not sure that's his voice.

Praying before sleep became a sort of routine and burden for me. Sometimes I couldn't even pray without asking God to help me open my heart to him first.

I saw the term "religious high" in "the case for faith". It is probably where I was a couple of weeks ago. Maybe he is trying to mature my faith. Well, hopefully.