questions

It has been plain hard.

Am I making the wise decision? Are things going to be better? Or it is just a difference between bad and worse? Am I hurting a person who cares so much about me? Did I try hard enough? Will he be fine? Will I be alone for the rest of my life? Will I be able to find a job and support myself? When should I tell my parents? Can I finish my thesis before November? What should I do with all the stuff we share? Why is there so much fear and uncertainty in my heart? Will I be able to stick to the hope I have found?

Tonight Rui came over to talk to me. I asked for her consultation. She made a good point by asking me back: "What's a right decision? Having a good life in the future doesn't mean that you are making the right decision now, vice versa."

I knew that before, but I forgot. I believe God was speaking to me through Rui. Yes, I should fix my eyes on what is unseen and eternal.

In "the case for faith", one of the interviewees said, "We learn from the mistakes we make and the suffering they bring. The universe is a soul-making machine, and part of that process is learning, maturing, and growing through difficult and challenging and painful experiences. The point of our lives in this world isn't comfort, but training and preparation for eternity."

So I do my best. I learn from the good and the bad.

God, thank you for being with me. I can feel you are here to ease my pains. Please forgive me if I am failing you again. Without you, I have nothing.

say my prayers

Tonight during the lifegroup we were asked to write down things that we prayed for and were answered by God, as well as what we wish for in the future.

It was a long list for everybody. The first thing coming to my mind was that I prayed for good sleep in Las Vegas as I mentioned in another entry. What else? My niece got into the ideal school. My parents had a wonderful trip here to visit me. I met great people in the church and joined the lifegroup. We started a book club in the summer, which was always one of my dreams. I had chance to learn swimming and did my first lap. I am going to attend a national conference with my best friend.

In work, God helped me to stay strong and encouraging for Brian. When Brian and I had the fight in Michigan, he showed me the right way to solve the conflict. It was miracle how everything was pulled through in the last month. When I wanted to break down, he lifted me up again and again. I had my first visit to Mississipi and was able to enjoy the beautiful view of the country, a nice sunny afternoon by the pond and delicious homemade food. Most of all, he gave me the strength to open my heart to him so that I could experience the grand love from him.

My wishlist is kind of trivial, but it's really what I want. I don't want any more experiment for my own research. I hope my thesis writing can go fast and smoothly. I want to find a job in a place I like, a place that gives me the feeling of home. Before graduating, I hope to enjoy my life more in Ann Arbor.

I am learning about God, and I want to learn more and faster. I want to witness more of God's work on me and on others. I wish one day I could make a difference to other people, as Brian did to me.

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God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference

where am I now

I have been wanting to write something for this blog. And I tried. I started a couple of topics but finished none of them. As I walked along the path further and knew more, it became more and more difficult to talk about certain subject, because each one would lead to numerous direction.

Yesterday my best friend asked me whether or not I carried the Bible with me in my 4-week trip. She admitted later that she wanted to test where my faith is now. I told her that I read it online.

Certainly it didn't mean that I had a strong faith in God. Only my heart matters. Reading Bible or going to church is only my own needs to reach for God. However, I was glad that she was a little impressed. I did hope that one day she would be able to feel the great peace and love that God has put into my heart.

In the past month I prayed often. Our working environment was very stressful and tiring. I can't imagine how we could pull it through without God being with us. I felt very blessed because I saw how he was there loving and supporting us. And I saw miracles happen.

Today at the church the pastor talked about a couple working with Chinese people to spread the good news. I sort of knew that couple. For the first time I started to truly appreciate what they are doing. Also, for the first time, I started to sing along when the band was playing, though silently.

I feel calm and strong as I know that I can turn to God anytime and he is there, always. I hope this is not temporal. Or if I ever stumble, I can find my way back soon. A lot of time when I prayed, I felt passionate. And I think it's a good thing.

The world has been new in my eyes. I am expecting to experience much much more, just to see how he works on me and how I can make a difference.

strong enough to love

Psalm 28:7:
"The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song."

Whenever I felt burnt out, I lost the ability to love others. All I could think about is how everything was unfair and how miserable my life was.

Like last week, I didn't wanna talk to friends. I didn't call my family. I cried night after night before sleep. Then in the morning I didn't want to get out of my bed. Every small action would lead me to the feeling of distrust and betrayal.

In "waking the dead", John Eldredge said that "the devil will try to use your wounds and unresolved emotional issues to pin down your heart under a spiritual stronghold." Like the sharks smelling the blood the enemy would try to beat you down by bringing more assault.

I wouldn't say my case is totally spirtitual warfar. However, if I believe there is a war, I should be alert all the time.

I am glad that God heard my prayer and set my heart free. I feel that my ability to love is coming back. But I know that more battles are coming. I need to fight for my heart, not only for me, but for all the people I love.

Finally, my dearest friend, you know it is very hard for me to say this (and probably I will say this only once), but I want to let you know at this moment: no matter what happens, I am glad that I am here by your side. I wish I could be of more help and I pray constantly for you and ask God to help us get through the hard times. I have seen almost all sides of you and you are still so beautiful to me. And I love you deeply.