not yet

Some friends from NLC are planning something big for Chinese Ministry. I was very flattered that they invited me to their first meeting.

Most of the time I was listening. What they are trying to accomplish is huge. They are good people and have passion to do great things. I have been having the same dream. However, it is way ahead of what I am capable of.

Getting more involved in the conversation group is already a big step for me. Right now I hope to do it well, even though I already started to feel my time is very occupied.

I told these friends honestly where I am at and what I think I could do for them. And they were fine with it. So we will see.

oh well

There have been a lot of stuff on my mind lately. It is time to rant.

I am not sure if I have a good faith in God. I guess I am still passionate about him, but my spirit has been really down lately. Every morning I feel that I despise this life. And I know it is not right, which makes me feel worse about myself since I am not being grateful for all the great things in my life.

I thought I knew Jesus, but the reality is that I don't. I fully understood the idea of grace when I first became Christian. However, now that I am inside the circle, I have found myself try very hard to earn something. It has at least three negative effects: first, my pride can sneak in if I am doing well; second, I feel a total failure and lose my vision of hope if I screw up, which happens on a daily basis; third, I can be very judgemental of what others do.

I don't know since when the big picture started to fade out. Something need to be done to pull me out of this mess. It has been causing me a lot of unnecessary miseries.

There are other things.

I hate the fact that I can not feel genuinely happy for others. And the minute I hear some bad news about somebody, I have to beat down the little cheers so that I can feel like a normal person. It is sick, but it is in my nature. I asked God to take it away but he ignored my request.

I hate that I am wasting my time. Tonight at the conversation group, they were talking about faith. Then after the talk, someone asked some questions. One American was having a hard time explaining Christianity to this Chinese guy, so I helped out. That is what I am good at and what I am passionate about, which almost makes me sad because I am dragged along by many other things.

I hate that when my friends call me, I am there to pick up the phone. But when I need help, they are not there. And when they do call back, what's the point if I don't need their help any more. I am also tired of being the initiator. I ask for what they need and where they wanna go. But no one bothers to give me call when they go out. If I have to beome a constant complainer to certain friend, there is something seriously wrong.

I am lost. It must not be where I should be. I wanna go home.

a dream

I have nightmares so frequently that people would probably freak out if I tell them my dreams from any night.

Anyway, last night I dreamt that some guy dumped me and I wanted to jump off the top of a tall building. I was standing on the edge looking down, and debating with myself whether or not I should do it.

There was another person with me there. He didn't try to stop me. Instead, he let me know he doesn't want me to do that, however, it is my choice. And he will be there as long as I need him.

Then the bad guy (probably the one who dumped me) came up. He was mocking me, saying things like "you are worthless" or "why don't you jump".

When I woke up in the morning, I was thinking "wow, it was just like a spiritual war going on in my dream". We do stupid things sometime, but God respects our free will and let us learn through the hard way. When we ask for his help, he will always be there. On the other hand, the devil tries every possible way to mess with our mind and screw up our live.

Sometimes everything could be hanging by a thin thread. We are about to make some huge decision but don't know what's right. At this moment we need to know who is the one with truth and love and power that can save us. And we need to kneel down and pray.

finally

I finished the whole "New Testament" for the first time this morning. Well, I am very glad.

Currently reading:
"Messy Spirituality" by Michael Yaconelli
"Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
"Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" by Philip Yancey and Paul Brand

Also interested in:
"The Purpose Driven life" by Rick Warren
"Rumors of Another World" by Philip Yancey
"The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

And of course, Old Testament!