oh well
There have been a lot of stuff on my mind lately. It is time to rant.
I am not sure if I have a good faith in God. I guess I am still passionate about him, but my spirit has been really down lately. Every morning I feel that I despise this life. And I know it is not right, which makes me feel worse about myself since I am not being grateful for all the great things in my life.
I thought I knew Jesus, but the reality is that I don't. I fully understood the idea of grace when I first became Christian. However, now that I am inside the circle, I have found myself try very hard to earn something. It has at least three negative effects: first, my pride can sneak in if I am doing well; second, I feel a total failure and lose my vision of hope if I screw up, which happens on a daily basis; third, I can be very judgemental of what others do.
I don't know since when the big picture started to fade out. Something need to be done to pull me out of this mess. It has been causing me a lot of unnecessary miseries.
There are other things.
I hate the fact that I can not feel genuinely happy for others. And the minute I hear some bad news about somebody, I have to beat down the little cheers so that I can feel like a normal person. It is sick, but it is in my nature. I asked God to take it away but he ignored my request.
I hate that I am wasting my time. Tonight at the conversation group, they were talking about faith. Then after the talk, someone asked some questions. One American was having a hard time explaining Christianity to this Chinese guy, so I helped out. That is what I am good at and what I am passionate about, which almost makes me sad because I am dragged along by many other things.
I hate that when my friends call me, I am there to pick up the phone. But when I need help, they are not there. And when they do call back, what's the point if I don't need their help any more. I am also tired of being the initiator. I ask for what they need and where they wanna go. But no one bothers to give me call when they go out. If I have to beome a constant complainer to certain friend, there is something seriously wrong.
I am lost. It must not be where I should be. I wanna go home.
I am not sure if I have a good faith in God. I guess I am still passionate about him, but my spirit has been really down lately. Every morning I feel that I despise this life. And I know it is not right, which makes me feel worse about myself since I am not being grateful for all the great things in my life.
I thought I knew Jesus, but the reality is that I don't. I fully understood the idea of grace when I first became Christian. However, now that I am inside the circle, I have found myself try very hard to earn something. It has at least three negative effects: first, my pride can sneak in if I am doing well; second, I feel a total failure and lose my vision of hope if I screw up, which happens on a daily basis; third, I can be very judgemental of what others do.
I don't know since when the big picture started to fade out. Something need to be done to pull me out of this mess. It has been causing me a lot of unnecessary miseries.
There are other things.
I hate the fact that I can not feel genuinely happy for others. And the minute I hear some bad news about somebody, I have to beat down the little cheers so that I can feel like a normal person. It is sick, but it is in my nature. I asked God to take it away but he ignored my request.
I hate that I am wasting my time. Tonight at the conversation group, they were talking about faith. Then after the talk, someone asked some questions. One American was having a hard time explaining Christianity to this Chinese guy, so I helped out. That is what I am good at and what I am passionate about, which almost makes me sad because I am dragged along by many other things.
I hate that when my friends call me, I am there to pick up the phone. But when I need help, they are not there. And when they do call back, what's the point if I don't need their help any more. I am also tired of being the initiator. I ask for what they need and where they wanna go. But no one bothers to give me call when they go out. If I have to beome a constant complainer to certain friend, there is something seriously wrong.
I am lost. It must not be where I should be. I wanna go home.
posted by beneathwing at 11:43 PM
1 Comments:
Man, I wish I had some words to be able to assist you!
The only thing (and know I really am not sure if it will help) I can say is that everyone..or so it seems...feels this way at one point or another. It is sin. We are sinful in nature. Therefore, our negative thoughts can consume us at times.
It is hard when you are down to have the same happiness that others have. Or at least I have this issue too.
Like I said I wish I could do something to help, but know that I will be praying for you!
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