here it comes again

I am debating whether or not to renew my work contract. My boss has been very nice to me, but I don't feel motivated. I feel I have been wasting time. I am good at working in a team, but this is not the right environment for me.

However, I wonder where God wants me to be. Does he want me to persevere in the current situation, or to quit my job and unite with my husband? Does my decision matter? Maybe it's one of those cases that I just have to choose one path and let him take care of the rest.

the difference

My relationship with one of my friends has been sinking. Sometimes it might look hopeful, but overall it is going down.

I have been wondering why I feel so frustrated with her but not the other friend. Then I browsed through my older posts and found the reason.

When I wrote about her in my blog, I mainly talked about how much I appreciated what she had done for me. While in another entry, I talked about how I appreciated the other friend for who she is.

Wow.

So it was bothering me because this friendship had never been a healthy one. When she couldn't offer me what she used to give, I was doomed to have frustrations and disappointment.

In another word, I didn't love her as God has loved me.

I still need to figure out what I could do to fix this situation. I also need to pray that God moves her heart too. But this is a good start.

another first

I weeped during the Good Friday service. It was the first time that I cried at church. And I was sitting inbetween my two non-Christian friends I brought there that night. I was fighting it, but eventually let it go.

Oh well.

I have made an important decision to change the things. Bhramara and I had a long conversation about it yesterday and it was good.

I am excited about this, but I am unsure if I could avoid hurting some people's feelings.

thirst

I have been feeling lonely and helpless for the past week. I met with my friends and had a few laughs with them, but there has been another me who is bitter, broken and miserable.

When I look at the people around me, I see their lives are just as messed up as mine.

I am having a hard time relating this brokenness with God's promise. I don't see how any of my friends would be able to help me. And I don't know what to say to their problems either.

one month to live

Last Sunday I heard that an older guy who came to our conversation group passed away. It was shocking to me, because I saw him right before the spring break.

What bothers me more is that I was not crazy about being in the same group with him, because sometimes what he said irritated me, even though he was a nice guy.

Now he is gone.

If I had known he only got one month to live, I am sure that I would have done things differently. I would have greeted him more genuinely. I would have been more upfront with my opinions other than trying to avoid him. I would have said "thank you" at least once for his enthusiasm to reach out. Now I can only ask for God's forgiveness, and pray that next time when someone gets on my nerve, I would think of him and I could handle things in a more godly way.

Mark, may your soul rest in peace. Through Christ, I hope to see you again.

another perspective

Mark 9:40:"...,for whoever is not against us is for us."

The reason why I have been thinking about this verse is that I had some doubts about one of my friends, about whether they really care about me, and about whether it is worthy spending time with them.

Then during the worship service at church last Sunday, I suddenly got some perspective from God. The only reason why I struggled so much is that I put my interest before God's.

If there is a war, and indeed there is, does it really matter whether or not this person is willing to do something for me? What is crucial is that they do not fall into the hands of the devil. And God is going to use me to win that battle.