Realm of the Unknown

here it comes again

2009-05-31T22:49:00.002-04:00

I am debating whether or not to renew my work contract. My boss has been very nice to me, but I don't feel motivated. I feel I have been wasting time. I am good at working in a team, but this is not the right environment for me.

However, I wonder where God wants me to be. Does he want me to persevere in the current situation, or to quit my job and unite with my husband? Does my decision matter? Maybe it's one of those cases that I just have to choose one path and let him take care of the rest.

the difference

2009-04-28T14:23:00.002-04:00

My relationship with one of my friends has been sinking. Sometimes it might look hopeful, but overall it is going down.

I have been wondering why I feel so frustrated with her but not the other friend. Then I browsed through my older posts and found the reason.

When I wrote about her in my blog, I mainly talked about how much I appreciated what she had done for me. While in another entry, I talked about how I appreciated the other friend for who she is.

Wow.

So it was bothering me because this friendship had never been a healthy one. When she couldn't offer me what she used to give, I was doomed to have frustrations and disappointment.

In another word, I didn't love her as God has loved me.

I still need to figure out what I could do to fix this situation. I also need to pray that God moves her heart too. But this is a good start.

another first

2009-04-13T14:52:00.002-04:00

I weeped during the Good Friday service. It was the first time that I cried at church. And I was sitting inbetween my two non-Christian friends I brought there that night. I was fighting it, but eventually let it go.

Oh well.

2009-03-30T10:35:00.002-04:00

I have made an important decision to change the things. Bhramara and I had a long conversation about it yesterday and it was good.

I am excited about this, but I am unsure if I could avoid hurting some people's feelings.

thirst

2009-03-23T10:16:00.003-04:00

I have been feeling lonely and helpless for the past week. I met with my friends and had a few laughs with them, but there has been another me who is bitter, broken and miserable.

When I look at the people around me, I see their lives are just as messed up as mine.

I am having a hard time relating this brokenness with God's promise. I don't see how any of my friends would be able to help me. And I don't know what to say to their problems either.

one month to live

2009-03-16T23:32:00.004-04:00

Last Sunday I heard that an older guy who came to our conversation group passed away. It was shocking to me, because I saw him right before the spring break.

What bothers me more is that I was not crazy about being in the same group with him, because sometimes what he said irritated me, even though he was a nice guy.

Now he is gone.

If I had known he only got one month to live, I am sure that I would have done things differently. I would have greeted him more genuinely. I would have been more upfront with my opinions other than trying to avoid him. I would have said "thank you" at least once for his enthusiasm to reach out. Now I can only ask for God's forgiveness, and pray that next time when someone gets on my nerve, I would think of him and I could handle things in a more godly way.

Mark, may your soul rest in peace. Through Christ, I hope to see you again.

another perspective

2009-03-10T10:37:00.003-04:00

Mark 9:40:"...,for whoever is not against us is for us."

The reason why I have been thinking about this verse is that I had some doubts about one of my friends, about whether they really care about me, and about whether it is worthy spending time with them.

Then during the worship service at church last Sunday, I suddenly got some perspective from God. The only reason why I struggled so much is that I put my interest before God's.

If there is a war, and indeed there is, does it really matter whether or not this person is willing to do something for me? What is crucial is that they do not fall into the hands of the devil. And God is going to use me to win that battle.

sounds like a good prayer

2009-03-09T13:45:00.000-04:00

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity"

---Hosanna by Hillsong

make-believe?

2009-03-06T09:44:00.006-05:00

Some might say that Christianity is make-believe. To me, God's words speak the truth. However, to some extent, it was like a make-believe at certain stages of my faith.

It is no surprise. In many ways our relationship with God is like our earthly relationships. Or it should be put the other way around. We are made in his image, and our earthly relationships resemble our relationship with God.

Like in any relationship, there are struggles. Since we are given free will, we do have a choice to hold on or back out. And many times we can not see clearly who he is and who we are. But it is important that we make the decision to believe that God is good, just and loving. Then we ask him to reveal himself to us. And he will.

From a non-Christian point of view, it is much like a make-believe. But for anyone who ever experienced a struggling relationship, it is clear that it is just one necessary step to start a relationship, or to fight for it when troubles come.

For us Christians, it is also a practice. The more we make the right decision, the easier it gets to put trust in God.

an amateur understanding of how prayers work

2009-02-26T16:42:00.004-05:00

Say we watch our little kids learn how to walk and they fall often. Sometimes they will stand up by themselves, and learn more about how to walk correctly.

Sometimes they do not want to get up by themselves and cry for help. Then as parents, our first instinct is to give them whatever they want. But at a second thought, we might need to consider if it is a good idea. Will it be better not to help this time so that they could learn something, such as they should not scatter the toys on the ground? It is for sure that if they really get hurt, we would run to rescue them.

So again, God is like the perfect parent. We send out our cry for help. He will not hesitate to give us what we truly need. But sometimes he let us figure out how to stand up on our own, in order that we could build our characters, or learn from our mistakes.

Also, through prayers we ask for God's attention. He might not interfere if we do not send him the invitation. But once we do, he will make sure there will be some good out of it.

*****************************************
In "Prayer", Philip Yancey says that prayers help us have God's perspective. By praying, we could understand more of whom God designed us to be and what we could do for him, in addition to asking him to rescue us from the mess we have made.

I agree.

a quick prayer

2009-02-25T21:18:00.004-05:00

Lord, I pray for your guidance and for my patience. I pray that we have peace, that we would be able to let go things and that we would be simply grateful for you alone. I pray that you transform us everyday to be more humble and loving towards each other.

Amen.

lent related resolution

2009-02-24T10:48:00.009-05:00

My current roommate is Catholic. We have been talking about lent. I thought it was a nice idea to give up something for a period of time as a constant reminder of the sacrifice God made for us. I wanted to do something too.

So I talked to another friend about it. He was for the idea, but he warned me of the possibility of setting myself up for sinning if I do not think it through. It would be a covenant between me and God. If I put myself in a situation where I only have a slim chance not to fail, I would be doing something consciously and stupidly to sin against God.

It made sense, but I was somehow discouraged.

Then during our lifegroup last night, we happened to be talking about giving up something so that we could give something to others for the month of March. I guess this is probably more realistic for me. I will not make a covenant with God. Instead, it will be something we do as a group to practice our characters. So if I fail, which does not mean I won't try my very best, I won't be sinning against God directly and I could ask for grace.

This still sounds a little bit tricky to me. But right now I am settling for this idea. For example, I could give up spending time on internet and use the time to pray for other people.

To be precise, my resolution for this March will be:
1. no Chinese websites except my chinese blog;
2. no blog reading except my own;
3. no gchatting.

My main focus would be on reading the Bible or the "prayer" book by Philip Yancey, praying for people I know or I don't know, and being a good worker.

dilemma

2009-02-23T10:22:00.008-05:00

I am tired of those who complains a lot about the way they are treated and then treat others the same way.

I am tired of those who make promises to get together and never put in any effort to make it happen.

Unfortunately some of those are very good people, in the moral sense. I debate with myself whether or not I should try to keep them in my life. It does not seem to be worthy of my efforts.

********************************************
"The screwtape letters" is so sobering that sometimes reading this book makes me feel like someone was shaking my shoulders to wake me up from an illusion the devil created in my head.

"...because he is aware of a 'deeper', 'spiritual' world within him which they cannot understand....Thus, while being permanently treacherous to at least two sets of people, he will feel, instead of shame, a continual undercurrent of self-satisfaction."

I would be lying if I deny that I had never had such moments that gave me a hint of self-satisfaction. I am still struggling to find the best way, or God's way to interact with different people, which would be pure, loving and humble.

reflection

2009-02-15T23:33:00.004-05:00

I was reading "the screwtape letters" during my last NY trip. It had been a while since I felt my faith was at a plateau again. Sometimes it felt alright. Sometimes it brought me frustrations because I was not sure if there was a growth at all. In one of the chapters the senior devil taught the young devil exactly how to lead people to focus on the big ideas of faith instead of humbly relying on God each day. It was quite refreshing and calming to me.

Everything has a season. Maybe I am having the season of resting. As long as I am still holding onto God, I shouldn't feel bad about not seeing any dramatic change in my or other's life. It is great that some people are witnessing life transformation, like what I heard at church today, but it is not necessarily where God puts me right now.

Overall my relationships have been good. I still have some deep struggles in my marriage, where I really should put more trust in God's power. Also, I got frustrated by a few friendships. But God knows my heart. He knows what I want and that I have been working on those issues. He has rewarded me for my efforts. And I have been blessed with some new friends in my life.

I liked chapter 29 in "the screwtape letters" a lot. It talks about how God uses dangerous times to test our virtues, how righteous action matters even though we might not have the right mind in us, and how we shouldn't let our fear or insurity control us (eg. having a backup plan is not really a good idea. Instead, we should stop overthinking and just trust in God). These messages speak to me. I pray God would help me carry them through.

just a guess

2009-02-03T15:23:00.002-05:00

Sometimes it feels like God answers part of my prayer just to reassure me of his power so that I would have more patience to wait for the final good.

gain and loss

2009-01-27T16:06:00.003-05:00

Where do I spend most of my energy? Probably the defect of my relationships.

I have been trying to appreciate things about other people. And I know I have been making progress. However, it is easier to do that if the person is around.

Sometimes I see that each relationship is like a bank. When I have enough, I tend not to care much about what I give or what I get or if I could make a balance. But when my saving is low, I tend to put my guard up high and only give when I can get, which is the main cause of my misery.

When a friend disappoints me, my first response is to guard what I still have and refuse to give more of myself. Or when I feel someone is attacking me, instead of showing grace, I want to fight back and get even with that person.

I have been focusing on too much of what I gain in this world, while my actual loss is uncountable. It is not supposed to be this way.

If I could let God's light shine through me, I would never have to worry about running out. His love is abundant and never dries. I should be like the richest person in this world.

I have choices to make. To let God in. To give without counting.

2008-12-20T12:08:00.000-05:00

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

last night

2008-12-03T17:03:00.006-05:00

I went to the conversation connection. There weren't many people there. One of the Americans basically told me that I didn't need to be there because there were only 2 groups of people.

I felt weird about it. Even though I knew that I shouldn't care about what she said, it was true that I had a hard time finding my position in this group. I trust that Brian P. is a man of God, and that he appreciates me being there. However, I didn't feel welcomed by some Americans. In the meanwhile, I also have some issues with their attitude toward my people.

I decided to stay anyway. If that was the reason for me to leave, I would have left this group long time ago.

A few more people came. I started to talk one guy I met last time. He is a Chinese and speaks relatively fluent English. He wanted to help just like the way I did. We talked about our department (he is in ME), the Ph.D. life, our background, etc. We were actually from the same part of China and went to the same college!

As our conversation went on, the question of our faith emerged. To my surprise, he actually goes to NLC and is in a small group with one person I know! We began to share with each other how we became Christians.

He told me that he was a very plan-oriented person. He liked to make plans before he did everything. There was a rough time in his life. Nothing seemed to work out. He could only find peace in his heart when he came to the church activities. But back then he was only seeking some comfort in the community. Then he moved away from AA to another place. At first he was frustrated with God. But in a way God openned his eyes and helped him see how great God's plan is for him. That actually struck him deeply. He said to himself if God loved him and God is so much greater a planner of life, why couldn't he just stop struggling and embrace God's plan. And he got baptized the next day.

It was so thrilling and powerful to listen to a stranger's testimony. And I was thankful that God gave me the strength to stick around even though I wanted to leave. You never know what kind of gift he is preparing for you. :)

this and that

2008-11-13T09:30:00.000-05:00

Freedom

I bought the blue parking permit last week. It is awesome! I feel I can go anywhere anytime I want to. Though it is kind of pricy, it is totally worth it.

It made me think of the freedom that God gives to us. He sent his son to pay the price for us so that we can have a choice not to be slaves to worldly desires. No matter how messed up we might have been, and no matter how high the price was, he thinks we are worthy.

Difference

Only a few people came to CC last week. I have been wondering what God's plan is for this group. It was a little bit sad and discouraging, although I think Brian has done a good job and I have a lot of respect for him.

However, I have decided that I will keep going until the day I leave AA. It is true that we don't share too much of the good news there, but it did provide a place for some people to connect and learn English.

One guy told me that he came to the building the week when there was no meeting. He said he suspected, but he didn't want to miss it if there was one. I saw a soul yearning for community and friendship, and I am glad that we can serve this way.

Touching one single soul could be all the difference we need to achieve.

Compassion

The other night I talked to my mom. She shared with me a few concerns about my family. After I hung up the phone, I couldn't help thinking how broken we all are. For a moment, I felt the urge to take up all the burdens from my family so that they could live a worry-free life.

And then I thought about Jesus. When he died for us, how strong his compassion for us must be! He sees us as his family, he knows us personally, and he wants to free us from our sins and brokenness.

I felt deeply connected with him. And so grateful for what he has done for me.

make a difference

2008-11-03T00:10:00.006-05:00

Sometimes my prayers got answered so quickly that it makes my faith almost effortless.

I had been complaining that I couldn't see the purpose of my life, and that I was not making any difference. Oh well, one of my friends, who had been living a pretty rough life, told me last week that I was an inspiration to her. Wow, I always thought she was an inspiration to us. And all I did was simply sharing a few of my thoughts with her.

I got a phone call from a person on my last night in my old apt. He was troubled with some matter and was seeking my advice. It was already past 10pm and I still had some packing to do. I had to fight against my impatience and tried to help him find what he could do to resolve the issues. After we talked for 30+ mins, he said he was starting to have some clues and thanked me. Although I didn't share the good news with him, I felt I was serving God in some way.

One of my friends has been having some relationship issues. Last week God gave me the chance to share with her my thoughts of faith, church, and small group. It was actually surprising to me that even though we had been friends for a long time, I hadn't really told her explicitly the huge impact of Christianity on me and my relationships. I hope by starting doing this, she would hear the message and open her heart to God.

I guess most of the time I just didn't see it. Just by standing by my faith and being myself, I could easily make a difference in this world. When I put in effort to help others, or share my faith, God has the power to move people's hearts. It really doesn't matter whether or not I could see the change. I only need to trust that God will make the best out of what I do for him. And everything is possible.

out of the darkness

2008-10-31T23:45:00.007-04:00

I have been somewhat depressed lately. The major reason is that I don't feel movitated by my work and haven't been productive. I don't see a purpose of my life. Also, I had to move, prepare for talks, and look for jobs. I am not a multi-tasker, so being forced to do multiple things drags me down. At the same time, there is some uncertainty with my husband's job, which made me nervous and frustrated.

But I saw hope. One night I was accused by the voice in my head that I had made all the wrong choices in my life. It was like a knife piercing my heart. But I tried very hard to remind myself of the joy I experienced when I first realized God's beauty. I reminded myself that what I heard was opposite from God's words. I ask God to make me more like him so that I can have serenity under the trials.

Then still feeling quite broken, I surprisingly experienced a moment of peace in my heart. It was like God was whispering to my conscience that no matter how brilliant the devil's attack plan is, he has the power to deliver me.

hand it over

2008-09-25T13:07:00.006-04:00

On Monday night I was tossing and turning in my bed, feeling that I was a failure all over again. I struggled with certain issues and I thought I was making progress, but it turned out there hadn't really been too much difference.

My guilt and self-disgust was so overwhelming that my heart was in physical pain.

Then I thought, wait a minute, this is not what God wants. This is exactly the opposite to what God wants from us. Self-improvement is good, until it becomes the stumbling block between us and the freedom God promised.

So I took a deep breath and said a little prayer. Dear God, I am sorry that I am a mess no matter how I try. Please take it over from here. You are the only one who can change a person from inside out. It was such a relief. Instantly I felt peace.

Similar struggle happened again last night.

Thinking about what to do on my birthday gave me such a big distress. I was feeling very broken and insecure about my friendships. Somehow I knew God wanted me to open up and step out of my comfort zone. But what if no one comes? I argued. Trust me. He said.

I said "alright, I will do what you say, but you need to give me a great time". So this morning I sent out my invitation. Several friends gave me positive response immediately, which greatly eased my nervousness. Now I actually look forward to my birthday party and spending time with my friends.

It is in our nature that we want to take control, either for our pride, or for avoiding being hurt. But it is such a beautiful thing to learn how to trust in God and hand over everything to him. It never fails that following his words yields what is the best for us.

reflection

2008-09-01T22:35:00.002-04:00

As I mentioned before, for the past few weeks (or maybe months) I was a little carried away by my emotions and worldly desires. I was neither at peace with God nor the people around me.

Getting back to reading really helped me sit down and look into the deep of my heart. I saw my pride and selfishness which blinded me from what matters the most---loving God with all my heart, mind and soul.

It is the greatest blessing if I could surrender myself entirely and trust him wholeheartedly. Happiness comes in naturally when we work for him and forget about self. He will take care of the rest, just like the father takes care of the needs of his children.

My struggles won't go away over night. But as long as I call for him, I will not be lost. He will find me and lift me up again and again.

from east to west

2008-09-01T22:12:00.005-04:00

I finished Ravi Zacharias' autobiography "Walking from east to west" during my NY trip. In general I enjoyed it. He is a great story-teller, as well as a logical thinker. It is a beautiful thing that he has been using his amazing preaching skills around the world.

It got me to think about how I could use my talent to serve God. Or, what is the purpose of my life designed by God? I am still somewhere near clueless. I can trace back how my personality has matured over the years by certain events, but I don't see clearly why I am here doing what I do or where I will be in the future. I know for sure that it can't be just about self-improvement.

Apologetics attracts my interest. And pains in broken relationships always make my heart tender. But where God wants me to be might be a totally different story. Sometimes I don't think I am ready to be used by him, but when I came to think about Moses, I was reminded that it is not up to me. When the time is up, God will make us ready.

restless

2008-08-24T14:24:00.008-04:00

My mind has been restless for quite some time. I don't know how to describe it. I feel weak. Yes, that is the right word to describe my current spirituality.

It seems that I fell into some trap and I have been struggling to get out of it. I desire the freedom I felt before. Christ died for our freedom. There is no reason that we can't have it if we want to.

Today in the church our pastor talked about how to strengthen our faith between our Sunday services. It spoke to my heart. One week is a long space. I know I could be around more Christians, while I hardly talk to one inbetween my lifegroup meetings.

But I know God is with me. Last week I felt I was in the midst of a desert. Then on Friday Rachel invited me to dinner. Today I was able to sit and talk with more than half of my group at church. It was such a quick answer to my prayer.

Thank you God for choosing to faithfully love me.

freedom

2008-08-03T22:00:00.008-04:00

I went to church today. I went, because I felt I need to. It was perfect, because the pastor talked about how to be free from our fear, something that has been on my mind for a while.

It was great to be reminded of that we should not evaluate our doings by the world's standards. We are not a failure in God's eyes. He sees us as the person we have potential to be. If we do as he asks to, we can never fail. Having that in mind, we can be free from our fear of failing.

Our pastor also shared with us a thrilling story about some people living in some dangerous part of Detroit and changing lives little by little. He asked us to act, to take more risks that might bring glory to God's name.

There were sheets for us to sign up things that we are able to help. I chose mentoring new believers and chinese scholars. I am not sure if I will be qualified or if that'll make any change, but it's not up to me to decide. All I need to do is to enjoy the freedom and do something.

wonder

2008-07-22T22:07:00.003-04:00

I wonder if it is time to leave this place. I had some good memories here, but now it feels to me that it won't make any difference if I just disappear one day. I know people would say they care, but do they really?

I don't know where I am in terms of my relationship with God. Things that happened in the last couple of weeks kept irriating me. At one point I was utterly disappointed by all the people involved. I guess they didn't do anything wrong. Well, it doesn't make any difference to me.

Maybe God is teaching me how to appreciate certain quality in other people. I am not sure. I am quite confused right now. Maybe a little hurt.

What I am fighting with is not very clear to me either. My pride? Sure, that never stops. Showing grace? Probably. Maybe I never really forgave.

God and I need some good talk.

pride

2008-07-09T15:21:00.001-04:00

"In fact, if you want to find out how proud you are the easiest way is to ask yourself, 'How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronise me, or show off?'"
---"Mere Christianity" by C. S. Lewis

the key

2008-06-18T00:47:00.007-04:00

After I became a Christian, I found myself more pessimistic about human beings. Really, if there is no God, why should we even care about others? We are just a bunch of selfish creatures. So when it comes to relationships, especially those in troubles, it is quite risky to count on the best in a person to make the relationship work.

I talked to a friend last Sunday about her troubled relationship. She asked for my advice, and I basically told her not to expect to change the other person, but she certainly needs to be responsible for her own decision in life. Besides that, I told her that unless we make God the center of our relationships, we will most likely end up in a no-win situation. We would want to prove that we are right, or we deserve more. Even if the major fault does belong to the other party, without God most of our actions are still due to selfish reasons, which won't save the relationship.

Only from our relationship with God can we possibly learn how to work on our earthly ones.

ranting

2008-06-18T00:18:00.005-04:00

God has been giving me a lot of wisdom over things, for which I am very thankful. At the same time, he is keeping me humble by showing me how sinful I still am.

There is something I still struggle with, but there is no solution to that. From time to time I get scared by how dark my thoughts are. I wonder if any of my friends will remain friends with me if they truely know me. Also, my closest friends are not Christians. So I try not to tell them anything related with my Christian friends that bothers me, which leaves me in a lonely island sometimes.

Today I felt judged by a friend, which hurt me much at that moment due to many reasons. I again felt there was no channel for me to vent my frustrations with certain people. No one can accept me entirely, except Jesus.

When he met the woman at the well, although he knew her all along, he didn't criticize her for what she did. Instead, he provided to her what she really need. I need affirmation from my friends that no matter what I say or do, they love me and have faith in me even though they can't quite understand or approve of it.

so here is the plan

2008-06-06T09:40:00.002-04:00

Last night I talked to Rui for about an hour. Regarding certain questions, I mentioned that my view had been altered after I converted. She told me that she attempted to read the Bible but it was too difficult.

Here is something I have had in my mind for a really long time. I want to be able to convey the message freely in an "user-friendly" yet systematic way to my friends and family. Maybe I can start with one person.

take a moment and think

2008-05-27T21:12:00.003-04:00

I haven't been having the right attitude. I have been cranky, critical, skeptical, judgemental, depressed, etc. Part of it was due to the emotional drain after the earthquake. Part of it was plain me. Me being away from God.

I am at a point where I don't know what to do next for my spiritual growth. I think I need someone to guide me, but it doesn't seem very feasible.

keep praying

2008-05-19T20:41:00.002-04:00

My heart is sinking.

need extra love and patience towards other people

2008-05-13T23:45:00.000-04:00

God, please! Thank you!

another nightmare

2008-04-29T21:15:00.003-04:00

It was so terrible that I am almost certain it was another direct insult from the devil.

In my dream, I asked my brother to help me move heavy stuff. He bailed on me. And neither my parents nor my friends were willing to offer me any comfort or support. I was so tired and hopeless, lying on the side of the road, and it was raining. It felt like the whole world had abandoned me.

He surely knows where is my weakest point.

The bright side is that I have been feeling fine today. I think God is with me, everywhere and every moment, reminding me that his love can heal all the brokenness of my heart and his power can conquer anything.

the pursuit of happiness

2008-04-27T21:50:00.002-04:00

This was the topic of today's sermon. It was not an easy one, but I think our pastor did a good job. I look forward to the rest talks of this series.

What he reminded us of today was that circumstances should not affect how much joy we experience when we live in Christ, and giving would bring us more happiness. It sounds lame, but he presented it well by relating Jesus's teaching with his own experience. Jesus sees us and knows us. We are broken-hearted, but we are blessed by God.

Rui went with me to the church today. I hope the messages spoke to her as well.

family

2008-04-27T21:00:00.004-04:00

Last week the OSU team said good-bye to us during the service. I tried, but I couldn't stop my tears. I was proud of those people. I felt inspired by their courage. In the meantime, I felt very sad knowing they were leaving soon, including my favorite pastor.

Then I suddenly realized that I had regarded NLC as my family, although I had complaints about this church. The fact is that I had been falling in love with it and its people.

That was a piece of new information to myself.

last night's talk

2008-04-13T20:52:00.004-04:00

The topic of this talk was "how science is consistent with Christianity", given by a famous professor in our university. It was ok, but definitely not the best presentation I had heard.

On my way home, I told my friends who went with me to the talk that I might be able to give a better presentation on this topic. They were very interested and said that they wanted to hear it if I get it together.

Way back in time, Brian and I talked about how we could do something together. I sensed this might be a good chance because he is very good at reasoning. Hopefully he will agree on my proposition.

Sidenote: it was interesting (or sad) to see that some Christians easily got into emotional argument because of different views on some minor issues or different understanding of some sentences from the Bible. Was the arguement really for the sake of God, or their own pride?

The same question applies to the issue that has concerned a lot of Chinese people now. When religion and politics meet, things get complicated and sometimes very ugly. Some people have their own intentions.

spiritual low

2008-04-02T21:26:00.003-04:00

This is what I have now. There are too many doubts in my head that are apparently ruining my relationship with God. Maybe I need to stop reading the Old Testament for a while.

I know there is no way that I could fully understand his way. And I need to trust him. But I can't.

interesting

2008-03-26T23:13:00.003-04:00

For some reason our professor started to have lunch with us again. So during yesterday's lunch I asked him if he did anything interesting for the past weekend. He told us a couple of things, one of which is that he watched the history of crucification on the history channel.

Ha! It certainly brought up my follow-up question "do you believe that was true". Interestingly, he said the crucification was well-documented history. However, he doesn't believe that Jesus was risen from the dead. There was certainly more to dig, but it was probably wise for me to stop right there.

It reminded me of the question I asked my friends long ago. "If historically Jesus existed, would it change your view on Christianity?" Some of them said no. Some of them refused to respond.

Also, I wonder how many Christians believe in the real thing instead of a nice concept of God's grace.

prayer #39

2008-03-24T23:16:00.001-04:00

Dear God, make me shameless of my failure and fearless of whatever might come next.

I pray that your will be clearer to me, and that I have what it takes to do your will.

I pray that when I meet you face to face, no matter how big a mess I have made in my life, you will smile at me and say "yes, you love me".

Amen.

the message of hope

2008-03-24T21:50:00.004-04:00

I went to the Easter Sunday service at NLC after witnessing my friend's baptism at the Chinese church. It was no surprise that the sermon was about Jesus's death and resurrection, given by one of my favorite pastors. The truth is that every sermon is about the same message with different degrees of emphasis. It is just the way it should be.

The pastor talked about what is our hope and what we should do about it. I liked the fact that he pointed out the cost of being a disciple. He also mentioned that we are all sick due to our nature, which happens to be what I was thinking about the night before.

I have been feeling quite detached lately. The huge gapbetween knowing the truth and living the truth (or living in the hope) is lying right in front of me. I definitely need to go to church more often. In fact, when I went, 80% of the times I loved it.

It is getting better.

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Romans 5: 4perseverance, character; and character, hope.

surprise

2008-03-23T19:47:00.008-04:00

Severl people from CC were going to get baptized at the local Chinese church on Easter Sunday. So this morning I went there to witness that event.

As I expected, the songs and messages didn't speak to me. However, one guy among the people to be baptized today was someone. I never had much conversation with him. In my memory, he was aggressive, and a little bit loud.

It is a strange feeling to see him there. I was curious of what happened and hoping he would give the testimony. And he did. When he was talking on the stage, I was saying "I know, I know" in my heart. Similar time. Similar struggles. Similar emotions. He had more severe depression than I did. Sitting there with tears in my eyes, I felt enormous love towards him.

Yes, we paid a little for our pride. Back then, we didn't know that Christ paid a much bigger price for our sins.

And again I was amazed by God. He collected us one by one like a sheperd looking for his lost sheep. And he knows us so intimately that no one else can bring us the same sort of comfort. And no one else has the power to save us from the brokenness of this world.

Thank you father for sacrifizing your only son so that we can be born again.

revived

2008-03-21T14:10:00.003-04:00

Last night was our accountability night. So after we shared with the big group the updates in our lives, we broke down to three small groups so that we could talk about deeper issues.

This was my second accountablity night. It really worked for me. Ciara was very understanding and encouraging. I was comfortable with telling her something that had been bothering me. Our conversation definitely lifted up my spirit quite a bit.

It reminded me again of how much blessings I have received in my life. And how God keeps loving me through these godly people and many other ways.

ridiculous things in Old Testament (1)

2008-03-20T14:35:00.003-04:00

1 Kings 20:35 By the word of the LORD one of the sons of the prophets said to his companion, "Strike me with your weapon," but the man refused.

36 So the prophet said, "Because you have not obeyed the LORD, as soon as you leave me a lion will kill you." And after the man went away, a lion found him and killed him.

*****************************************
So obedience is important. I get it.

But why would a person put such a curse on his friend just because his friend didn't want to hit him?!

Tenebrae service

2008-03-20T14:09:00.004-04:00

Through Conversation Connection (let's call it CC from now on) I have got to know a couple of Catholic friends. Since this week is the holy week, there have been a lot of activities going on in the churches. People in CC were invited to go to any service that they are interested in.

So last night I attended the Tenebrae prayer service in my friend's church. It was very nice. As I have not been much talkative, a prayer service was just what I wanted. I love the music they played. Both the male and female singers had amazing voices. I sense that I am ready for some quiet and soothing Christian music.

I had lunch with a friend today. We discussed the difference between Catholics and other Christions, such as traditions, evolution, prayers, etc. It was an interesting and educational conversation. To me, as long as we recognize Jesus as the only way to life and we love each other as he asked us to, any religious difference is quite minor.

what do we have

2008-03-06T13:26:00.003-05:00

If Solomon, who had the greatest wisdom and was almost the richest person at his time, still betrayed God, what do we have that can make us confident in our love for God?

verses of the day

2008-02-29T16:02:00.001-05:00

John 13: "34 A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

some of the things I believe

2008-02-21T11:12:00.002-05:00

Jesus died for our sins so that we could re-unite with God.

God's love for us is much greater than the love we could possibly give to anyone.

I am one of his chosen ones. I am precious to him.

Every broken relationship is due to our sins.

Perseverance is important to relationships, especially when faith becomes weak.

To love someone does not rely on our emotions.

Putting self above God is the root of our sins and misery.

God's will works best for us. Better things will always come out if we choose to obey him.

Surrender to his will brings me peace and joy.

The way God works is beyond my understanding. And whether or not I understand it now does not really matter.

No matter how hard I try, I was, am and will always be a failure. But it doesn't change his love for me a bit.

I wound his love when I fail. Because I love him, I try again.

If God can love me even though he knows all of me, I should be able to love anyone.

Everyday is full of chances to glorify God.

When something hurts me, it hurts him even more. When I weep, he weeps with me.

Jesus is the source of my comfort and hope.

Grace is the best gift I have got, and is the best gift I could give to anyone.

not yet

2008-01-31T00:08:00.001-05:00

Some friends from NLC are planning something big for Chinese Ministry. I was very flattered that they invited me to their first meeting.

Most of the time I was listening. What they are trying to accomplish is huge. They are good people and have passion to do great things. I have been having the same dream. However, it is way ahead of what I am capable of.

Getting more involved in the conversation group is already a big step for me. Right now I hope to do it well, even though I already started to feel my time is very occupied.

I told these friends honestly where I am at and what I think I could do for them. And they were fine with it. So we will see.

oh well

2008-01-29T23:43:00.002-05:00

There have been a lot of stuff on my mind lately. It is time to rant.

I am not sure if I have a good faith in God. I guess I am still passionate about him, but my spirit has been really down lately. Every morning I feel that I despise this life. And I know it is not right, which makes me feel worse about myself since I am not being grateful for all the great things in my life.

I thought I knew Jesus, but the reality is that I don't. I fully understood the idea of grace when I first became Christian. However, now that I am inside the circle, I have found myself try very hard to earn something. It has at least three negative effects: first, my pride can sneak in if I am doing well; second, I feel a total failure and lose my vision of hope if I screw up, which happens on a daily basis; third, I can be very judgemental of what others do.

I don't know since when the big picture started to fade out. Something need to be done to pull me out of this mess. It has been causing me a lot of unnecessary miseries.

There are other things.

I hate the fact that I can not feel genuinely happy for others. And the minute I hear some bad news about somebody, I have to beat down the little cheers so that I can feel like a normal person. It is sick, but it is in my nature. I asked God to take it away but he ignored my request.

I hate that I am wasting my time. Tonight at the conversation group, they were talking about faith. Then after the talk, someone asked some questions. One American was having a hard time explaining Christianity to this Chinese guy, so I helped out. That is what I am good at and what I am passionate about, which almost makes me sad because I am dragged along by many other things.

I hate that when my friends call me, I am there to pick up the phone. But when I need help, they are not there. And when they do call back, what's the point if I don't need their help any more. I am also tired of being the initiator. I ask for what they need and where they wanna go. But no one bothers to give me call when they go out. If I have to beome a constant complainer to certain friend, there is something seriously wrong.

I am lost. It must not be where I should be. I wanna go home.

a dream

2008-01-21T21:51:00.000-05:00

I have nightmares so frequently that people would probably freak out if I tell them my dreams from any night.

Anyway, last night I dreamt that some guy dumped me and I wanted to jump off the top of a tall building. I was standing on the edge looking down, and debating with myself whether or not I should do it.

There was another person with me there. He didn't try to stop me. Instead, he let me know he doesn't want me to do that, however, it is my choice. And he will be there as long as I need him.

Then the bad guy (probably the one who dumped me) came up. He was mocking me, saying things like "you are worthless" or "why don't you jump".

When I woke up in the morning, I was thinking "wow, it was just like a spiritual war going on in my dream". We do stupid things sometime, but God respects our free will and let us learn through the hard way. When we ask for his help, he will always be there. On the other hand, the devil tries every possible way to mess with our mind and screw up our live.

Sometimes everything could be hanging by a thin thread. We are about to make some huge decision but don't know what's right. At this moment we need to know who is the one with truth and love and power that can save us. And we need to kneel down and pray.

finally

2008-01-13T23:11:00.000-05:00

I finished the whole "New Testament" for the first time this morning. Well, I am very glad.

Currently reading:
"Messy Spirituality" by Michael Yaconelli
"Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
"Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" by Philip Yancey and Paul Brand

Also interested in:
"The Purpose Driven life" by Rick Warren
"Rumors of Another World" by Philip Yancey
"The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

And of course, Old Testament!

conversation group

2007-12-05T21:39:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to this conversation group which is organized by NLC, the Chinese ministry and some people from another church. This was my third time there.

I was glad that I was helpful to them. Being here long enough, I understand most of the contents in both English and Chinese. So when there was real communication obstacle between a native speaker and a new Chinese student, I was able to translate for both sides.

I was also supprised (and delighed) to see a former student of mine there. It turned out that she was actually one of the organizers now. I didn't know she was Christian. Back when I was her instructor, I wasn't a Christian. So much has changed.

advantages?

2007-12-02T22:55:00.000-05:00

Last Friday night Jinli and I went to the Chinese church. They prepared dinner, then a choir performed, followed by a talk about the true meaning of Christmas.

Everything was fine, except that before dinner a guy handed out some pamphets. One of them was titled "what are the advantages of believing in God". Instantly I had this sick feeling in my stomache.

I know they do that out of good intention, but I hate it when they try to drag others into church by this kind of advertisement. Maybe they will succeed at first. But what about later? What will happen when people find out the promises in that little pamphlet are only false promises? Why can't we just tell the plain truth?

Jesus said, "he who has ears to hear, let him hear". So be it.

this one is just for you, Trudi!

2007-11-19T15:13:00.000-05:00

Thanks for visiting this blog even though I haven't updated it forever. Actually there are several topics brewing in my head. I simply didn't have the time and peace to write them down.

Coming soon:
half-truth
the other side
who's next
worship service

a long sentence

2007-10-15T17:25:00.000-04:00

It took me a few minutes to dissect it and then put together in order to fully understand what it means.

"The fact that it is possible for anyone to say of those who claim to seek holiness that the profession has not been accompanied with increasing humility, is a loud call to all earnest Christians, whatever truth there be in the charge, to prove that meekness and lowliness of heart are the chief marks by which they who follow the Lamb of God are to be known."

---Humility by Andrew Murray

another reminder to myself

2007-10-12T20:19:00.000-04:00

Here are priorities for the sake of my soul:

1. Stay free from worldly traps. Remember my true identity and my purpose in this world;

2. Love myself. Never let other people make me feel unworthy of God's love.

3. Have peace with God, myself, and other people. Do what's right with God's words. But if I fail, ask for forgiveness and do not carry the burden.

4. Keep an open heart with God. Turn to him at any moment I need help. Pray sincerely.

5. Love others, but understand their limitations.

6. Set boundaries to my love and to what I can give. Learn to appreciate other people's boundaries.

quotes from The Problem of Pain

2007-10-09T16:05:00.000-04:00

Regarding shame:

"We are told to 'get things out into the open', not for the sake of self-humiliation, but on the grounds that these 'things' are very natural and we need not be ashamed of them. But unless Christianity is wholly false, the perception of ourselves which we have in moments of shame must be the only true one; and even Pagan society has usually recognised 'shamelessness' as the nadir of the soul. ... It is mad work to remove hypocrisy by removing the temptation to hypocrisy: the 'frankness' of people sunk below shame is a very cheap frankness."

Regarding sadness:

"My own idea, for what it is worth, is that all sadness which is not either arising from the repentance of a concrete sin and hastening towards concrete amendment or restitution, or else arising from pity and hastening to active assistance, is simply bad; and I think we all sin by needlessly disobeying the apostolic injuntion to 'rejoice' as much as by anything else."

realization

2007-10-05T21:35:00.000-04:00

Joel Osteen's sermon was on TV, so I watched it. It was good. Although it delivered something I am not sure of, it made me realize what my problem has been these days.

I am losing my faith in God. That's it.

Theoretically I know he loves me, but I stopped to believe that he loves me enough to lead me back onto the right path when I am lost. I am trying too hard myself. I felt I had to make things right. By doing that, I was actually doubting God's love for me.

I was afraid of failing him. However, my fear was a direct insult to God's grace and power. I forgot that he has a plan for me and I don't have to worry. He knows where I will fail and he knows what I can do.

I love him, but I closed my heart to receive his love for me. And I forgot who he is and what he is capable of.

a quote --- earth

2007-10-03T16:00:00.000-04:00

"I think earth, if chosen instead of Heaven, will turn out to have been, all along, only a region in Hell; and earth, if put second to Heaven, to have been from the beginning a part of Heaven itself."

---The Great Divorce by C. S. Lewis

*******************************************

I am chewing on this sentence. I feel like I has been going through Hell. Although things have been cleared, apologies given and forgiveness received, my heart is still pinned down. I need more time to recover from the anger, disappointment, resentment and desparation that had haunted me for days.

God was the only comfort to my soul. Knowing that he feels what I feel, weeps when I weep and will always be there for me makes me want to go home more than ever.

I am still fighting the fight so that my soul can be set free. The devil has set multiple traps. I feel I have been attacked viciously. Yet he can't win because love is greater. And if I am longing for heaven, no matter how much suffering I have it here, I will know it is all worthy when I get home.

Decision-making

2007-09-20T13:31:00.000-04:00

My discussion with Brian about baptism got me into thinking: am I truly ready as I thought? He brought up a valid point, but I hesitate to walk out of my comfort zone. There are a couple of reasons on my side. It is time that I ask God what he wants me to do.

Brian was definitely right about the devil’s attack. We almost got into a fight because of our different opinions and I was extremely sad for a moment. The truth is that I was expecting with joy to be baptized. I think God would be pleased with whichever way I choose to do it because he knows me by my heart. However, the devil played the tricks to discourage me.

I also met one of our pastors last night and talked with him for a while. He said it would be fine if I wanted to keep it down. And he asked me to be humble. So right now I am praying that God help me make the final decision and have the serenity with it.

commitment

2007-09-17T00:35:00.000-04:00

This evening I went to check out the church’s new program, “Core”, which is designated to give intensive teachings about the Bible. It was good, though I was expecting much quieter music or even no music at all. I think I will keep going until I have to leave AA.

By the end of the talk, our pastor talked about how we should be more involved in the church activities, because after all church was what Christ left on the earth. We together, instead of some building, are the church, body of Christ. We are responsible for encouraging each other in the church family and letting more people outside the church hear God’s words and accept his grace.

Then the pastor asked people who wanted to make two commitments to sign on a sheet of paper: 1) devote oneself to the churches in general; 2) devote oneself to New Life Church. After the music started again, a few went up, and then more followed. I was standing there in tears, overwhelmed by love and sadness. My heart ran to the people who were ready to submit themselves completely. And I was sad that I was not there yet.

I was afraid that I was doomed to fail it if I had made those commitments. But I know I want to make a change. I am taking one step at a time. It is for sure that I will get there someday and stand firm in front of everybody. Maybe that day will come very soon.

distance

2007-09-17T00:34:00.001-04:00

Recently I have felt broken-hearted. Things are fine in my life. However, I missed God. It felt like he was playing hide-and-seek with me. When I prayed at night, it was more like a routine than a sincere talk. I read the Bible, but nothing much was left in my head. I was trying to contribute more to the church, but I was doubting my own relationship with God.

I thought I was walking towards the right direction because of all the things I had been doing. I was very frustrated with God because I felt I was nowhere closer to him. Since he seemed absent, I even started to make excuses again so that I could do something and pretended it was alright with him. Now as I sit down and look into our relationship, I wonder if he was using the distance to tell me something, something that I remembered by the words but have forgotten to practice for a while.

What he wants from me the most is not me reading the Bible or doing things for him. He wants a real and genuine relationship with me. He wants me to share with him my life and soul. He wants me to invite him into my heart. And my heart is what I am presenting to him.

nostalgia

2007-09-11T23:39:00.000-04:00

I was getting myself ready to work a little bit on my thesis revision, so I put on Third Day's music. As the song "tunnel" came out of the speakers (which is also my cell phone's ringtone), a sudden nostalgia struck me hard.

How strange! My heart longs for a place that I have never been to. It was such a sweet and sad mixture of feelings. You know someone is waiting at home for you, yet there is still a long journey ahead before you get to see his face.

how to forgive a friend

2007-09-05T14:42:00.000-04:00

I have to admit that it still hurts. A friend whom I hold dear to my heart said something to me the other day that makes me deeply doubt my ability to maintain the sincerity and depth of this friendship.

Also, since I will be leaving, it will be another long-distance relationship in my life. I am not optimistic about that, in general, so I wonder whether it is worth all the effort especially when the other person in this relationship acted as if it was a waste of time.

What is worse is that it was not the first time that I felt this way in this friendship. There are definitely some old scars that triggered my anger and frustration.

Sometimes it seems much harder to forgive a friend than some other people. Because I love my friends and trust that they will love me in return, it makes me more vulnerable to what they say or do to me. Once the damage is made, it will take me a long time to rebuild that trust.

Does it mean that I did not forgive them? No, it is not true. I am not holding grudge against them. But things won't be the same, at least for some time. There is this fear. How can I know when I will get hurt again without any warning?

I don't know how God did that. When Jesus walked on earth, he knew his dearest friends were going to betray him. I guess he was heart-broken.

And I guess the only solution is to keep loving God and obeying him. If forgiveness is what he requires of me to offer, I should forgive with joy and peace a friend or an enemy. And if love is the greatest gift, I need to keep loving, fearlessly, for his love is never failing. My love for my friends and family is not even comparable to what he has given and will be giving to me.

plan

2007-08-23T22:09:00.000-04:00

Everybody is asking me "what's next". That's exactly what I have been asking God. Looking back I can see the change in me each step of my way. During the darkest moment, when I felt everyone in my life left me, he was there and helped me become stronger.

I was joking with Brian the other day that God wrote the thesis for me and all I did was simply staying up late. Honestly I don't know how I could ever pull it through without my faith. I had not written a single word in April and May, or for a longer time period. I still can't believe that I finally made it. Maybe God thought it's the right time.

Now I am waiting for his call. It's comforting to know that I don't have to worry, because he will make it happen when he wants it to happen. I still need to do my part. Sometimes it is alright to just hang on there.

over-stressed, yet hopeful

2007-08-05T11:59:00.000-04:00

I was close to break, yet I still managed to work 10+ hours per day and read a short book in the Bible.

More than ever I know God is with me. And the end is near.

verses: work hard

2007-07-31T23:20:00.001-04:00

Colossians 3:23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

climbing the mountain

2007-07-29T16:18:00.000-04:00

“…coz God won’t make a mountain I can’t climb” is one of the verses in the song “it’s getting better all the time” by Brooks & Dunn.

Recently when I feel down or want to give up, I think of this verse. Tonight before calling Jia, I was about to cry. I set my mind to get certain part of the writing done, however I have the deep fear that I will fail again.

The mountain in front of me is not my thesis, or defense, or job. It’s myself and it always was. I am afraid that I don’t have what it takes. I am afraid that I will never change but my luck will turn around. I am afraid that I will have a miserable life simply because I didn’t try my best.

Many times I told myself that it’s not a big deal giving it up. I have been very much blessed. Not being able to accomplish certain things won’t affect my life. I probably never have to worry seriously about not having a place to live or food to eat. My family and my husband have been incredibly supportive of what I do. I know they will be fine with me not getting the degree.

However, I can never get rid of the worries. So it’s just me struggling against myself. To most people, it doesn’t make sense giving up at the point so close to the end. To me, it is a matter of being able to hold on. I feel if anything bad comes up in the future, it won’t take long to crush my spirit. It has been too easy for me to give up. Why not now? The whole process is in fact learning to build the characters that have been missing in me.

I once tried indoor rock climbing. At half way my arms and hands felt extremely tired and I wanted to give up, but my teammate refused to let me down if I didn’t reach the top. So one by one step while pleading constantly, I finally made it to the top. That was one of the greatest moments in my life. Every second on my way up I struggled so much and honestly thought I didn’t have what it took, but I was surprised by myself.

Now I have the same feeling. I am so exhausted and tired that quitting seems so tempting. But there is another voice cheering and telling me that I can make it. All I need to do is one step forward at a time. Since I have been there before, I know it will be worthwhile. After reaching the top of this mountain, I will gain more perseverance, self-discipline and wisdom.

I guess this is how God works on me. He is preparing me for something bigger, as Paul said in Romans 5: “…but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” I need to fully trust God’s words and keep marching up no matter how difficult it might seem to be.

verses: rejoice

2007-07-28T17:57:00.000-04:00

I love these verses!

Philippians 4:4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

verses: preaching

2007-07-28T17:41:00.000-04:00

Philippians 1:15 It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. 16The latter do so in love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. 17The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains.18But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.

church and family

2007-07-27T22:42:00.000-04:00

Last night I was in theatre with a friend to watch the Simpsons movie. When it started, I had this warmth in my heart knowing that everyone sitting there loved Homer. It felt like watching a big screen TV with a large family.

Then I started to wonder: why did I never have this kind of feelings when I was in church? Supposingly people who go to the church are people who love God and Jesus. We should be talking all excitedly like we talk about a dear friend or Homer. "Hey, have you read this? God is so funny and amazing!" "Oh yeah, he has a great sense of humor."

Well, the fact is that this only happened in conversations between me and Brian. Actually, Brian told me that sometimes he has this overjoy because those young people in the church have a place for God in their heart. I hope I can experience that kind of joy too.

I don't know what is wrong. Maybe I haven't loved deeply enough. Or my heart is still very much guarded and skeptical. I love God, but I still don't fully trust what he asks me to do. I am confident it will change though.

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Galatians 5:
4You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. 5But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. 6For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

spiritual gifts

2007-07-24T11:07:00.000-04:00

After taking the questionnaire, it turned out that my top three are:
1. teaching (hard to believe this)
2. faith
3. encouragement

self-loathing

2007-07-17T23:12:00.000-04:00

I have been pretty cranky lately. Nothing really happened. Probably that's why. I feel I am wasting my life away, so I am angry with myself.

God has given me a lot of things, but I haven't tried my best to use my gifts. Quite contrarily, I often do things half-assedly, choose the easiest way and give up easily. I spend a lot of time on nothing just to avoid doing what need to be done. I know procrastination is a common issue, but God asked me to work hard as I am working for him. It's for sure that I am constantly failing him.

What's the point of saying that you love somebody and at the same time acting the opposite way? I don't want to be a hypocrite or take advantage of God's grace.

On the other hand, I know he has been working on me and I am a changed person now. Maybe I should be more patient and keep praying for the characters I want. After all, it takes time.

July 14, 2007, 1:41:27 AM

2007-07-14T16:35:00.000-04:00

There must be a reason for my tears, Lord
My heart is such a small reservoir
That your love is overflowing

How can I be the reflection of your kindness and beauty?
How can I add to your glory?
Tell me, Lord
Not because I want to
But because you have mercy

Make me new, make me good
Make me your servant
Cause I will be joyful and strong

And I will be deaf and blind to sinful desires
Let the devil sigh in the darkness
Then I will see myself
Dancing in your light

I was reading Romans on Friday night. Everything Paul said in that book has made so much sense to me that it felt like God was speaking directly to my heart. At certain point I had to put down the book and walk around in my apartment so that I wouldn't feel overwhelmed.

It may sound ridiculous, but as I reached Chapter 14, I just felt that there was too much love from God and I was unable to hold it any more. I don't deserve any of the blessings he has poured on me. So I broke down and cried.

Long ago I knew he had forgiven me, but last night I totally opened up to him. I told him that I was sorry for breaking his heart. I was sorry that he had to die for me so that I don't have to carry all the burden of my past and that I can be made new. And I was so grateful for everything he had provided for me.

That was one intimate moment between me and God. And then I wrote the above verses. To be honest, it is almost embarrassing to post it here because the feelings was simply too raw.

It is interesting that as I continued with the book, I found this verse.

Romans 15:13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

"overflow" was the first word that came into my mind when I started to write my little psalm. And God told me that it was the right word for that moment.

a note to myself

2007-07-11T11:32:00.000-04:00

Romans 2:
1You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. 2Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment?

Romans 2:
17Now you, if you call yourself a Jew; if you rely on the law and brag about your relationship to God; 18if you know his will and approve of what is superior because you are instructed by the law; 19if you are convinced that you are a guide for the blind, a light for those who are in the dark, 20an instructor of the foolish, a teacher of infants, because you have in the law the embodiment of knowledge and truth— 21you, then, who teach others, do you not teach yourself? You who preach against stealing, do you steal? 22You who say that people should not commit adultery, do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? 23You who brag about the law, do you dishonor God by breaking the law? 24As it is written: "God's name is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you."

love

2007-07-05T12:52:00.000-04:00

Nothing really happened on Monday night. It's just that my husband told me he was tired so he didn't want to talk much over the phone. I don't know what got me, but I started to feel bad about myself from that point.

Lying there in my bed, I couldn't help wondering what's wrong with me. One phone call could easily make me doubt myself and my life. That's ridiculous. We were not even in fight or anything. He was feeling tired and wanted to get some rest. That's all.

Then I started to pray that God bring me peace and wisdom. I knew that I was failing him. And he answered my prayer right away. While talking to him, I gained back my serenity and security. And it hit me, again. The reason is that I am still relying on other people or things to validate myself. It's not that I shouldn't love my husband, but I should not take what he (or anyone else) says or does as the standard to measure myself.

God should always be the one and the only one I live for. His love never fails me, so I should never feel insecure about my identity. He made me for a purpose. Everything I do matters to him. Although I am unable to do it now, one day I will be the richest and happiest person in the world because he is the love of my life. I know if I love someone passionately, I won't hesitate to take the bullet for him or her.

Actually, as I was thinking about this, I felt I wouldn't hesitate to take the bullet for anyone. I would be happy to do that. This way I would save a life and get to see God. Well, it's me talking here. I don't know how I would react when things like that really happen.

Last night I was talking with a friend through MSN. She said when she was a student, her advisor cared a lot about the appearance, accessories, restaurants, things like that. So her whole group bought Apple laptops because her advisor liked Apple, but she bought Dell to save some money. She got mocked by the group members all the time. She said she felt bad back then.

What happened to my friend brought deep sadness into my heart. Without God in their lives, it's hard for people not to worship those idols and try to get validation from the things they have or people they deal with. I tried to comfort her, but how can we stand alone with confidence in ourselves if we are unaware that God's love is shining through us?

When I went to college, I was this small town girl in the big city. I didn't like how I felt back then. People there always judge other based on where they are from, what they wear, how pretty they are, etc. It can easily make you feel worthless. My life has not been too hard because I has always been the smart kid in class. I barely studied but managed to get high scores, so my classmates thought I was cool because of that. But I never really enjoyed my college years.

These are also the reasons I don't like Las Vegas. I felt depressed and irritated whenever I was there. It might be a reflection of my poor faith back then. If my life is abundant due to God's grace alone, I would be able to walk any corner of the world with peace, and I would be able to love anyone no matter who they are.

A few days ago I had a diret confrontation with one of my coworkers. It reminds me of how difficult it is to love the people in your life. I wish I had chosen a better way to deal with the conflicts. The fact is that from time to time I still try to justify what I have done. Even if I was right and he was wrong, I felt it's not exactly the way God wanted me to handle it.

I don't hate anybody, but I know I am "good" at ignoring people I don't care. Love each other, he said. It's impossible, I told him. Try your very best. But I don't want to.

It shocked myself that was the answer. It's not that I can't. It's because I don't want to. Because it will make me look weak. Or because people would take advantage of the situation. Or because I really don't care how they feel. What I do is still based on my needs. It's the interesting part of this free will thing and this love thing.

I do things based on my free will. But because I love him, whether or not I do it his way determines how good I feel afterwards. The fact he forgives me unconditionally doesn't necessarily take away the guilt. At least not right away. Sometimes I really don't like the free will thing. He knows we are going to something stupid all the time. Maybe he enjoys seeing that as long as no terrible harm is done, just like parents enjoy seeing their little babies do something silly, like insisting eating by themselves and then spilling their food all over the place. It's the learning process.

Maybe all the excuses I have been using in order not to do something can be summarized to this single reason. I don't want to. I remember back to the days my marriage was at risk. I finally got to the core of the problem. I didn't want to love my husband. I felt I would be better off without him. It has nothing to do with whether or not I had the ability to do it. I simly didn't want to try any more.

God loves me so much that he didn't let me make that mistake. Right after I asked him to help me love my husband, he showed me the way. He also amazed me by the way he helped my husband to grow up. To me, it was a miracle that can only be delivered by God's grace. I don't deserve it, yet he gave it to me as soon as I asked for it.

He loves you that much too.

searching for God knows what

2007-07-03T15:19:00.000-04:00

I can't put down this book. This is the second one I got written by Donald Miller. No matter how I disagree with some of his opinions, his books are interesting and very readable. I think I will finish reading this book in a week.

It's like a conversation with a friend, or reading a friend's blog. He is definitely passionate about Christianity. I imagine him think about God all the time while eating, walking, driving or doing something else. Sometimes I do that too.

Some questions he asked are similar to the ones I asked Brian. I like it when he expands the details in the Bible. I feel that if I meet him, we can have a pretty good conversation. We would be able to talk about God like someone we know in life.

He has his limitation, especially when he tried to include some serious topics. Sometimes he is too talkative. I feel the urge to ask him to shut up and move onto the next point. Just like when you are with talkative friends. It doesn't mean that you don't love them.

a quote

2007-06-28T00:03:00.000-04:00

"Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next door neighbor... Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting."

---Mother Teresa

confused

2007-06-24T22:45:00.000-04:00

This is the feeling I got almost every time after I read Old Testament. What was God thinking? Did that really happen?

I know I should not make any assumption or conclusion based on my limited understanding. However, I feel deeply troubled after I finished "Judges" today. People in my lifegroup said it's good book (yeah, since it's in Bible) and there are good stories. So am I missing something here? 'coz I didn't like it at all.

There are stories, lots of them, filled with schemes, betray and killing. Well, from that point of view, they might be good stories. But they are deeply bothering me. I can't really say why.

Interestingly I got a couple of magazines from the lady who visited me. One of them has this article talking about the story of this father submitting his daughter to God. I didn't like the fact that it ignored the part where the father actually sacrifised his daughter as burnt offerings. Maybe they think that's too brutal to attract some new believers.

I am afraid so.

what can I do

2007-06-16T15:30:00.000-04:00

Again, I wish I knew my bible better so that I can speak up the truth when Christianity is attacked.

There are a couple of posts at this Chinese message board with topics like "how can I avoid Christian co-workers" or "the reasons why I do not want to be a Christian". I respect their choice. At leas they are taking this life seriously and making some choice. What I can't bear is that they have wrong ideas about Christianity due to the behaviors or talks of some Christians.

I feel sad for God and for these people. I hope I can do something about it. At least I will try to clarify things I know. These days I have this anxiety in me about this world. Not that I am such a good person. It is just that many terrible things are happening but I am doing so little about it.

God, forgive us our sins. Help me speak your words with love. Amen.

on the road

2007-06-15T15:00:00.000-04:00

I re-listened to the sermon series "this is not our home" by Jon Shah on my way driving to Iowa. It is good to be reminded again that we are travellers with a purpose here.

I also called that friend of mine and shared my side of thoughts. We reached certain understanding. After the conversation, my spirit was much lifted.

I confronted the issue and made the right decision. Although sometimes my first instinct was still to go away and avoid dealing with the problem, the time it takes to get me back on the right track is much shorter.

**************************************************
I posted some of these verses before, but it's never enough.

Hebrew 13:14 (NLT):"For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV): "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

bitterness

2007-06-12T00:08:00.000-04:00

I am bitter. I have been in that place before. It is getting lighter, but it never really dies.

I don't think I have done anything wrong. I was able to be there for a friend. Although that friend keeps complaining about life ignoring the fact that I am in a much worse situation, I should not hold anything against that person.

I guess one of the reasons for my bitterness is that I thought I could have the same support, but I am disappointed. Again, giving with the expectation of equal return is not working here. It also makes me angry that people are not grateful for good things in their lives. They might have a good heart, but their attitude pulls me down.

Somehow it makes me doubt myself too. I won't deny that I am jealous of what that person is getting, but I am confident that it's a minor fact in this state of mind. That person apparently has a lot of friends. So am I the only person who is being impatient and insensitive?

Right now I am holding back from this friendship just to protect the well-being of my mental status. I want to be understanding and supportive no matter how I am struggling with my own life. However, I have to set the boundary so that I won't be dragged along. On one hand, that person's situation is not that bad at all. On the other hand, I am not ready yet to stand strong when people pour their negative thoughts on me. I too need the truth, love and encouragement.

Openning up and loving others makes us vulnerable. It is hard enough doing that for friends. And God asked us to love all the sinners. How amazing is that!

******************************
Psalm 27
11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.

12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.

13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

time and money

2007-06-10T13:57:00.000-04:00

I constantly struggle with how to spend my time and money wisely. I spent way too much both of them on things that haven't done me any good financially or spiritually.

Today I finally got up early and went to the church. They are putting up a series about finance, which is great for me. The sermon is good. I enjoyed it. Especially when the pastor talked about how the Pharisees did nothing more what was commanded, I felt he was talking about me.

Several weeks ago I was visited by two ladies from one of other churches in Ann Arbor. Till now I am still not sure why they are interested in me, but I was ready to hear "donation" from them and I was going to say no. My reason would be that I have done such and such. Then I am no different from those Pharisees. I am still spending money on a lot of things I don't necessarily need. Just a couple of minutes ago I was attracted by one of the advertising emails and thought I might go for something. Compared to that, what I has been giving to the poor is nothing.

Almost everyday I am torn between the desire of buying things/wasting time and the guilt from actually doing that. I am working on it and I pray that God work on me. Based on what he has done for me, I have no doubt that I will have peace with myself in that area as long as my heart truly asks for it.

Sidenotes:
It was a bonus that today they played the video of people flipping cards for the church devotion. I knew it could be moving, but it is so powerful that even by watching the video my heart is filled with so much love and I had moisture in my eyes.

happy and free

2007-06-06T13:18:00.001-04:00

This is not how I am feeling now, but something I desire.

Freedom of my heart is very important to me. I have been a slave for so long. When the freedom comes, I can't help wondering if everything is just my illusion.

That's why I started to read "the case for creator". I still need some solid evidence to help me remember what is true to my life.

Here are the verses Brian shared with me recently.

Hebrews 12: 4-11: My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as son.Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline) then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

feeling depressed

2007-06-02T00:40:00.000-04:00

The bad thing is that I was unable to control it.

You are my only hope.

**********************************

If everyday is one step closer to meeting you face to face, shouldn't I be joyful because you have already provided me the best things in life and all I need to do is just to serve you?

Shouldn't everyday be an adventure, an opportunity to love others and let them know you?

If I weep, shouldn't the tears be for my repentance and for your grace? You have shown me that you turned things for my good and you made me stronger and wise. Then shouldn't I be grateful now instead of complaining?

how is it between you and me

2007-05-30T16:24:00.001-04:00

I just finished another book "blue like jazz" by Donald Miller. While reading it, I was quite inspired to write something down. But when I sat down in front of the computer, I lost the desire.

I haven't attended any service for a couple of months. Going to church is like a habit. Once it stopped, it's difficult to pick it up. Although I have been trying to set aside some time for us, I feel unsure about where I am. So really, how is it between you and me now?

Lying in the dark, just the thought of you would make me tremble. I wonder how everybody else feels about it. How can I live this realitiy every second of my life? How can I not?

I wish I could do better.

knowledge vs wisdom

2007-05-15T23:07:00.000-04:00

I'd like to post here my friend Tommie's answer to my question "what's the difference between knowledge and wisdom". He is a wise man.

**********************************************

I guess knowing the truth and the right things 2 do doesn't always equate to doing the right things. Also, In Proverbs God helps us 2 understand what wisdom is by personifying it as a woman who posses knowledge, understanding, and prudence(wise conduct). Which is to say that wisdom itself is a collection of these characteristics:

"I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence;I possess knowledge and discretion." (Prov 8:12)

So, I guess there really isn't a difference, but that knowledge is more like a subset or attribute of wisdom. When we take our knowledge about living content, and apply it to our lives, I'd say we are living wisely. Else we just have unprofitable knowledge in our heads.

And really, the problem with putting all this stuff into action has 2 do with our sinful nature. Like when Paul says, "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out."(Rom 7:18)

Just remember that God wouldn't give us commands that were impossible 2 obey. They may be really hard, and even impossible with our own effort, but nothing is really impossible with God's help. Reading though Ecclesiastes helps a lot when I feel discontent in life. I really recommend u read it.

everywhere I go, you are there

2007-05-07T20:58:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I took an escape from my work to one of my favorites stores Marshalls. I was browsing at the shoe section, then heard this guy talking to a woman about God.

It seemed so weird. I don't think about God in a place like that. But they were talking the whole time I was there. Proud and excited.

I wish I could be that way. And I love it so much every time I hear ordinary people talking about him just like talking about their friends or their family. It is amazing!

bible study

2007-04-14T01:04:00.000-04:00

Did God foresee the sinful nature of the people he made?

Why did he harden the heart of the king of Egypt so that people there had to suffer from the ten plagues?

be influential

2007-03-29T12:38:00.000-04:00

I bought another book "the inner voice of love" by Henri Nouwen. He is becoming one of my favorite Christian authors. I love Nouwen for his openness and honesty about his own brokenness which I can relate to mine.

Last week I finished "life of the beloved". It was not the book I expected, because he wasn't successful in speaking to the secular world as he intended to. But it is a good book. Here is one of the paragraphes I like. It's not anything new, but it's something I need to remind myself of again and again.

"Spiritually you do not belong to the world. And this is precisely why you are sent into the world. Your family and your friends, your colleagues and your competitiors, and all the people you may meet on your journey through life are all searching for more than survival. Your presence among them as the one who is sent will allow them to catch a glimpse of the real life."

No matter how many times I have been disappointed by the reality, I still think of myself as an idealist from this world's point of view. I still believe that any small action or gesture from me would have some influence on people around me. And by doing that, I believe that I put God before myself and sometimes it helps me get rid of my self-pity or resentment toward others.

For example, I invited my colleagues to church last week. Only one was interested, yet ended up not going, but I don't regret doing that. I don't know how this tiny invitation would influence their lives, or not. I only know that I have seen God use chances like that to do amazing things.

One of my best friends told me that she went to a local church last Friday. I am not sure if I have been of any influence on her about this topic, but she knows everything about me and I have been encouraging her to seek God. At least what I have been saying and doing did not put a negative effect on her path, which is something I worry about when I talk to non-religious people.

All in all, I don't understand why and how God does things. Yet I do what I do if I could.

equal affection

2007-03-22T00:55:00.000-04:00

I came to realize that I will probably never be able to become the person who gives without asking being given back, or love without fearing the pains.

At first I thought I could try and I tried. When I was all happy and confident, I enjoyed loving and giving. But when I was down, I wanted confirmation of affection from my family and friends. I wanted to know that they loved me as much as I loved them.

Sometimes I got plain disppointment. When I couldn't get help from friends to whom I had offered help, or when I realized that I didn't have the same priority in my friends' lives as them in my live, I became furious and started to doubt the genuineness of that relationship. At the same time, I knew I shouldn't have such resentful attitude against other people. Sometimes all those mixed feelings could lead to self-rejection. It has been extremely unhealthy for me.

God put himself in a vulnerable place by loving me. I know I have hurt him millions of times. But I just have to lower the bar for myself. It's ok that my friends couldn't offer what I asked for. It's ok that I was angry. And it's also ok that I can't reach up to the standard.

I can only give what will be returned. This is my ability right here right now. I know I am stepping back a little, but it's for the goodness of my heart.

my first public prayer

2007-03-20T19:15:00.000-04:00

Last Friday night my husband and I went to his church. Surprisingly it had been a really pleasant experience. I had chance to talk to some people and was especially impressed by this Chinese guy who was leading our group. Although I met him for the first time, I could feel the warmness and at the same time a calming effect from him. One of the Americans in our small group said that this guy inspired him and lead him to Christ. Later I told my husband about it and he spoke very highly of this guy too.

I felt truly happy for God whenever I meet someone who lives his words and glorifies him. It also gives me hope in many ways.

I enjoyed our small group. We had many good laughs during our discussion. At the end, we spinned the pen to decide who would give the prayer. And it's me!!! I was kind of excited about it. To be honest, I had been wanting to do that and never had the courage to volunteer. This was God's will and it's the perfect chance because I knew neither of them. So I said the prayer. It wasn't too hard for me. After I told them that was the first time for me, they were excited too and said many nice things to encourage me.

Besides all the good feelings, I was aware of the fact that I still couldn't get rid of some of the bad habit or thought. Sometimes I still tried to perform. Or even if I was doing it intentionally, later I would think about how others evaluate my act. It was totally unnecessary.

I want to love and accept myself 100%. I want to be secure and absolutely free in God's existence.

a homecoming story

2007-03-13T21:41:00.000-04:00

I finished "the Return of the Prodigal Son" by Henri Nouwen a couple of minutes ago. Although I didn't agree with 100% of what he saw from the painting, I am deeply moved by his wisdom, compassion and honesty in the journey of returning home.

If "waking the dead" was my favorite book at the beginning of my own journey, right now I can relate so much with "the return of the Prodigal son". I see both the younger son and the elder son in myself.

In my early years when I was totally lost, I was like the younger son. Fortunately I found the way home. But among all the chapters, I like the one about the elder son the most. I can't be more familiar with the heart for competition, the critical eyes, the feelings of jealousy and anger, the need for attention and gratitude, and the refusal to rejoice with God and his family.

And I see my resistance against receiving our father's love because of pride and distrust, and my resistance against becoming the one who is like him. I want to remain the child. It is a better position to receive forgiveness than offer it. I want to keep myself "safe" from the pains that others might cause me.

Reading this book rips off all the excuses I have used to defend myself and shows the truth that I can't ignore or deny. I have to let go the child in me. Let compassion and love cast out fears of being hurt, rejected, neglected, or misunderstood, for our father is love and compassion.

thankful

2007-03-09T00:29:00.000-05:00

One of my best friends called me tonight. We haven't talked for more than a week. I was very happy that she called, because I have been missing my friends.

That was a conversation I appreciate. We didn't talk about anything deep. But we both had chance to say whatever was in our mind and we were willing to listen to each other. I was curious of how she was doing and what her everyday life is now. And she asked me questions and let me talk.

I feel loved and respected. I was about to go insane, but during the conversation clarity gradually returned to my mind.

God amazes me every time by how he lifts me up. He knows what I need most right now. He taught me to open up my feelings to people who I know care about me.

I am also grateful for the promising side my marriage has shown. God has been working on both of us. We changed for the good in his hand. My heart had a huge hole, but he is making it new and pure.

Though it's too early to say everything will keep going the right direction, I want to put more faith in God and let him take the wheel.

He is good. He loves me.

long-distance relationship

2007-03-08T19:31:00.000-05:00

Long-distance relationships are probably the most important thing in my life, such as relationships with my husband, my family and my best friends.

I am not good at handling relationships, especially long-distance ones. Part of the reason is that I forget. I have a hard time holding onto things that don't happen everyday around me.

I also have long-distance relationships with people who are geographically close to me, for example, girls in my lifegroup. So we meet once a week and we exchange updates in our lives. That's all. I don't feel comfortable calling them when I need someone to talk to.

Sometimes I even feel the distance with God. I know it must be me, but it is a frustrating situation. At times like that, I feel he doesn't care as much as I thought.

It has been constant struggles for me to keep nurturing those relationships. I hope with God's help, someday it will be more natural and much easier.

no title

2007-02-22T23:59:00.000-05:00

This morning I got up at 6:40am and spent two hours at the depression center. I was disappointed. Although I was able to purge something out, the effect of talking to that person was no better than talking to one of my best friends.

I am hesitant about keeping on going, although I made another appointment.

On the other hand, I am not that depressed any more. Confronting instead of avoiding issues in my marriage has been doing good to me. I still fear potential failure in this relationship, but right now things seem promising.

Tonight I went to the discipleship group and got to know a very nice girl. She is a friend of a couple I know. All of them are involved in the ministry of a Chinese church I attended for a couple of times a few years ago. I told her that I'd be interested in giving them a hand if it is feasible.

This is something I have been wanting to do for a long time---helping my own people. The stumbling block is that I was not a big fan of the pastor there. I am not sure of what I can offer now and how I will handle it, but I am willing to take a small step toward my goal.

I just pray that if this is my calling, God would help me conquer my weakness and provide me knowledge, wisdom and strength.

Ephesians 4: 11-15

2007-02-21T01:27:00.000-05:00

11It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, 12to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

14Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. 15Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

lover of my soul

2007-02-18T18:26:00.000-05:00

Last night I saw a glimpse of hope in my marriage. We were driving from his friend's house back to his apt. Somehow we started to talk about Old Testament.

For a long time I had been telling my friends that I didn't feel I was loving anybody. Surely I love my family and my friends, but that's not what I meant. It was a sad fact. I am in a marriage. I am supposed to feel loving and being loved.

Anyway, when we were talking about Jesus, suddenly my heart was flooded with love. It was so strong and passionate. At that moment, I realized that what I had told my friends was not true. I was and am in love with this most amazing being. No one can ever compares to him.

If only we can share our love for God, if God is willing to help us, there will be a surviving chance for this marriage, because this love is far more and better than what is needed.